2012

Merry Christmas and goodbye 2012.  What a busy, crazy and rewarding year.  I would love to try and list all of my highlights - but while trying to type this with the baby marching on the kitchen table - I probably should do a condensed version.
I finished my master's degree and went through the graduation ceremony with my family there supporting me.
Will I use it?  I am not sure... we are kind of on the fence of where our careers will take us.  My husband is sitting on his master's in en (pause to get baby off table for fear she might fall when running circles) gineering.

I will complete my obligation to my teaching contract this May.  I will never have to teach clinicals again, never have to be gone Tuesday and Wednesday nights again.  (pause to read baby a book)  This means maybe - finally - my husband would be free to explore his job options.  He has never once complained about being locked at home, but has always considered it a blessing.  It will be nice to at least have the choice after May, to not be tied in anymore and be able to choose based on what we want, not on what we have to do.
(pause to fix Maggie spaghetti and cheetos)
My oldest started the swim team and I have loved watching her become so focused on something other than school.  It has occupied four nights a week for us, but has been worth it to see the changes in her.  She has also become the social butterfly and we have to beg to get time with her.  This Christmas she requested make up of all things.  (pause to get drawing paper and art kits out)
The boys are in a basketball league and loving it.  We love it for the fact both boys practice on the same night at the same gym.  Praises for the small things that make life easy!  (pause to get baby a few cheetos and answer the phone)
Maggie started kindergarten and (pause to get Maggie some tape for her art project) has had an up and down year.  I think she has had a hard time leaving her family all day long, five days a week.  It does seem like a long time for a five year old to be away from her home.  (pause to break up fight about where the tape might be)  She had a recent progress report that talked about her having a hard time not bossing the "little" girls around at her table.  (pause to break up fight about boys making fun of how Maggie coughs)
We are working with her ability to be kind and respectful, even though she might really believe she is the best little thing that ever walked through that kindergarten classroom door.
Annie turned one.  (pause to rescue Maggie's art supplies from the baby, who can crawl up on anything these days)  She has been the biggest amount of work, exhaustion and blessing we could of ever hoped for.  We realized this last night while we were sitting on the couch after all the kids were snug in their beds.  There was a little tea set, a little kitchen and a tiny baby doll cluttering our floor.  Had she not come along - our living room would not have any of this fun little baby girl stuff.  No chubby little baby hands working her new toys. (pause - break up a big fight between baby and Maggie over art supplies)
This biggest lesson learned in a very hard way after the Connecticut shootings was to enjoy every day.  I am ashamed to say that many days before that harsh lesson I was really focused on keeping my house clean, working extras, getting it all done.

 I have realized that its not so important to keep up with pinterest, but to be a present parent in their lives.  Let them cook with you, get down and play kitchen with them, color, read, love, hug, break up fights.  Be there.  I will never ever get this time back, and there are no guarantees in this life.  Focus on the big things.  Every morning wake up and reset - with that plan on action in mind.  Every night go to bed and pray, thank God for his gifts and show appreciation for them.  I'm so blessed its ridiculous, and I hope to go into the new year fulling realizing those blessings. (pause - time to go play kitchen with the two littlest girls who are currently playing tea party there together - my cup runneth over for certain)

ticking

you know what's really rotten?  i went to maggie's halloween party today and picked up all the kids afterwards, since it was almost time for car riders to be released.  i was going from classroom to classroom gathering up all my little ones and i got to carson's fourth grade class and remember picking up molly in fourth grade.  i felt my chest squeeze thinking about going to the sixth grade room to get her.  its the last time i will go get her from a class party in that building.  ugghh.  i wanted to send her back to fourth grade so they have a few more years all together.  i hate how fast they are growing up and i can't stop it.  i can't have any more, and i can't stop the ones i have from growing up.
i know i must of blogged about this a hundred times, and i can't help it.  i know that it is inevitable, and that i will love them big also.  i just really really love them little.  i love them even though they wear me slick.
i love them little even though i look like a crazy lady chasing them all around the grocery store and bribing them with candy.  even though i lug eight gallons of milk into my cart every week.  i was thinking the other day while i was unloading my van of costco food how sad i would be when i only had one gallon of milk to buy at the store.  funny how i complain about it, but i know deep down i love it.  i love having a household to shop for and cook for, i love having 2-3 loads of laundry to do a day.  i know my husband loves it too.
because every morning you have five sleepy heads sitting around the table eating breakfast together and chatting about their day.  every night i have five little bodies hugging me tight and kissing me good night.
i know its so cheesy and sounds so crazy but its so true. believe me there are rough days, messy days and days i snap at them for being so self centered.  for the most part it is good.  loud, sloppy, shoes all over the living room and crumbs all over the floor good.  i choke up thinking about them growing up and not wanting to kiss me good night or beg their daddy to carry them up the stairs.  my oldest who was oh so independent and moved to the basement, has now returned where she belongs, upstairs sharing a bed with her five year old sister.  i love that they snuggle into bed every night and have each other.  i will soon have to figure out a way to slip the baby in with them when she outgrows her crib.  she is already wanting to climb into their bed and lay between them at bedtime, and gets her feelings so hurt when we pull her out.
she is kind of rotten and gets her feelings hurt about most everything, so i don't take it too personal.
i can't stop the clock from ticking, but i can remind myself to enjoy every day i have now.

parent teacher conferences x 4

today was the marathon of parent teacher conferences.  four children, four classrooms plus their gifted teacher.  i always go in a little nervous, not knowing if somebody is doing something i am unaware of.  i could not of been more proud of my kids as i walked through their school today and had a lengthy conversation with each of their teachers.
i found out that my kindergartener who can be extremely loud and spoiled at home, is kind and helpful in the classroom.  she helps her friends and worries over them.  she is ahead in all of her reading and writing skills, and has an "excitement for learning that cannot be bought."  awesome.
i found out that my second grader who can be a little introverted at home, is social and has a great group of friends at school.  i found out that he scored well above genius level on his series of IQ testing for the gifted program.  he is quiet, but respectful and always smiling.
i found out that my fourth grader is a "born leader" in the classroom.  who would of known?  he always seems to be thinking about his next meal or recess in my mind, but in his teacher's eyes, he is smart, courteous and performs well in everything he does.  she is a really young teacher, and really positive and nice... maybe a more seasoned teacher would have a little more constructive words to say.  maybe i am just too hard on him.
i found out that molly is not only doing her thing academically, but is blossoming socially as well.  she is a friend to everyone and has a quiet confidence about her.  her teacher said that molly is comfortable in who she is, and others know it.  she does not conform to the popular girls social games, just always does what is right, and gains respect for it.  she said, "molly is a born teacher, but i know she will do something much bigger in this world."  our job with molly is to help her not take herself too seriously.  she stresses quite a bit about little things... hmmmm... could that be my genes?  rats.

i hope that we can be the kind of parents these little ones deserve, not breaking their spirits along the way, but encouraging them. i think we both feel that while grades and test scores are important, they are not even close to being what really matters.  what i hope and pray for my children is that they are kind, respectful, and love jesus.  i want them to have true joy, and not chase the fleeting things that bring you happiness on any given day.  don't follow the popular crowd, don't ever go along with something just to get a laugh.  always do the kind thing. not every child has a family who loves them like yours, so try to show patience and empathy.  don't do as i do, do as i say, right?  as molly always says, right is right no matter if you are the only one doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.  no compromise.  now if they can all live that motto,  we will be very proud parents indeed.

still here

molly reminded me today that my blog serves as a scrapbook of sorts for our family, and that i have not updated in quite a while.  so - is that because nothing has been happening that is blog worthy?  quite the contrary, i think we have been moving and shaking so much that i haven't been able to sit and write.
lets see.  annie is fourteen months now, sweet as she is rotten.  she giggles when she sees her siblings, runs from her daddy in a game of chase which usually ends in her wiping out, still loves her mama and occasionally still nurses to soothe herself.  no we have not fully weaned, and no it doesn't bother me a bit.  she is my last baby (for real this time) and im i have learned from the past four, there is no point in rushing any aspect of it. 
maggie is now doing well in kindergarten after a kind of so so start.  she wasn't really sure you had to actually do the work there, but now that we have cleared that up, she is behaving quite well.  her very giant personality barely fits in her little blonde headed body, and i thoroughly enjoy being around her.  she is not quite as sassy as she used to be, i mean - there was no miracle or anything, she is just kind of getting how to fit into the world with the rest of the mere mortals when she is just so "all that".  i actually pray that she will carry that confidence with her into her teen years.
ashton is his sweet smart self.  so self sufficient, so independent.  he comes home, picks up his book and gets his mandatory reading time done right off, then skips out the door to play with whatever neighbor child is around.  he is not picky and loves everyone.  he is the most grateful little boy i have ever met, thanking me over and over for any gift he receives.  he has his heart in exactly the right place.  he is starting basketball in a couple of weeks and im excited to see how he changes when given his own special activity.
carson is still my handsome little ornery boy.  he is very smart but doesn't really care to push that too much.  he is all about being a boy and is outside getting sweaty any chance he gets.  he loves to start a big game of kickball and will stay out until dark every day if allowed.  he is sweet and always remembers to hug me when he sees me.  he is learning to be more grateful and appreciative of the world around him, as he kind of gets lost in his own desires some days.  most days.
molly is a busy little lady, taking on choir, student council, babysitting, volunteering in the church and joining the swim team.  she swims four nights a week, keeps up with friends, family, church and babysitting on the weekends.  she is still an amazing grownup packed into an 11 year old body.  she recently brought me her savings from months of babysitting and told me to ship it to uganda to katie davis, a missionary.  such a kind and generous heart.  we could all learn a lesson in humility, gratitude and grace from miss molly.  im still amazed at the things she says and does. 
as for us, jeff is busy every day chasing annie and driving children too and fro.  he keeps up everything around here, helping preserve my sanity and being an amazing father.  i know for a fact i would not have the loving, smart sweet children i have without his presence in their daily lives.  he finds every little moment and turns it into a teaching moment, something i admit i just don't take the time to do most days.
i am busy teaching clinicals and working weekends.  i love my hospital job and am learning to love the clinicals, but i do not feel teaching is my calling in life.  maybe someday, but my heart lies with the little ones at home, and that is probaby how it will remain for a at least five more years with my sweet anniroo still home.

sweet annie

in a couple of hours it will be my baby's first birthday.  as always, it is my intent to capture my true feelings, so that my family can look back on these little posts some day and see the truth of our lives.  its not my intent to be politically correct or cool.  its just my real self - writing down the very uncool feelings i have about baby number five turning one.  that being said - it might get a touch emotional.

i am here to celebrate this birthday with half of my family away at camp.  i know it is just killing my husband to be away from her for so long, especially on her first birthday.  i will try to make it a happy day for her - which would simply involve me carrying her the entire day and feeding her ripe peaches, peeled and cut into big chunks.  that seems to be her food of the week.  peaches, not really even a taste of anything else.  she still nurses frequently, and will now take a bottle and sippy cup.  big progress.  im sitting here thinking about anything else she loves, and there is a very short list right now.  she number one loves me, then her daddy, then her siblings, then the dog, and that is it.  she will play for short periods, but much prefers to be carted around in my left arm.

i love her so much it scares me - as i do my whole family.  i remember finding out we were pregnant with her, jeff not believing me, the doctor telling me i probably was not pregnant after all, the sonogram with no heartbeat, the tears, the stress, the genetic counseling, and the sonogram with the tiny heartbeat.
 its that moment that makes the crushing stress and sadness of the moments building up to it, so worth it.  that moment which leads to the multitude of moments to follow.  the first day i felt like i was going to vomit at the site of hamburger (meaning hormones must be reaching a healthy level), the first time she kicked, the not finding out her sex, anticipating the delivery, and that day.  i love that day.  i remember every detail so clearly.  the shirt i wore, the drive to the hospital, the joy that filled the room for hours before she arrived.  it is quite possibly better than any drug that could ever be produced.
i vowed to love every second of her babyhood this time.  i have immersed myself in her, put other things and people on hold to cater to her.  i could of ruined her - as evidenced by her not allowing a single person to hold her other her mom and dad.  nobody.

so in a couple of hours, she will no longer be counted in months, but in years.  its so cliche, but goodness it goes by in a blink.








 i love you sweet annie claire, bigger than i can ever put into words.  you have made my heart grow exponentially larger in the twelve short months i have known you.

im just smarter

my husband selflessly volunteered to be carson's church camp counselor this week.  he will be hoofin it in the 100+ degree heat with many dirty boys in toe.  he did this for many reasons, but one of them was that i couldn't bear for both of my oldest to go away for an entire week without one of us there.  over protective, maybe.  it just put my mind at ease to know he was there, keeping an eye on them.  with the crazy heat - im so thankful he is - carson would run himself until he shriveled up into a dry heap if somebody did not remind him to stop and take a drink, and a breath.
while he is gone doing that - i am here with the three youngest.  i admit that i do not have a lot of alone time with the children.  he is always around to help, i work, and when i am home, im rarely alone.
its strange to be here solo.  nobody to bounce ideas off of, no adult to talk to, nobody to watch tv with at night when you finally get them asleep, nobody to share the parenting, housework, etc...  many of my friends do this regularly, but not me.  im pretty spoiled. don't get me wrong - i am enjoying them.  we are walking, playgrounding, shopping, swimming, baking, snacking, olympics watching and giggling.  tonight they were kind of rotten and i told them so.  when i put them to bed, i found this on my counter.

that's my mags, constantly making sure she stays front and center in my heart.  one of the rotten things she did tonight was talk sassy to ashton.  he asked me what the black lines on the road were.  i told him they were repairs.  she says "i already knew that ashton."  i said, maggie do not be mean to your brother.
she said - without pause "mom - i wasn't being mean, im just smarter."  goodness.

 i don't think this little one stands a chance... they are kind of inseparable.

 and she is already fiercely determined.

where's ashton you ask?  hiding in the house.

little things

Just a couple of the little things taking up all of my  time lately.  This one in particular.  But that is ok.

                                    

She forces me, sometimes against my will to sit back and just enjoy her sweetness once in awhile.  No moving, no laundry, no housework.

Just sweetness.

and that is that.

so i have been struggling with a giant decision for the past couple of months.  a decision that would change my job, work schedule and family life.  an amazing opportunity presented itself to me recently which would allow me to finally give up night shift and weekends.  it would be a different style job in a completely different place.  it would be monday through friday, nine months a year.  no weekends, never any holidays.
but something didn't feel right.  i couldn't come to peace with it, no matter how hard i tried.

it would be monday through friday, 9-5, away from my last baby.  she would spend every day without me until dinner time.  no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was all for the greater good, i couldn't.  i need this fleeting time with her.  i want to wake up every morning and see her and know that i have the whole day to spend with her.  in addition to that, i really do love what i do.  i love caring for patients and their families.  it scares me to leave that right now.  maybe someday, but not now.

so i turned it down.  i decided to stay put. i put that quickly disappearing baby ahead of my career. i feel settled.  and that is that.

things i want my daughters to know.

I read this this morning on the Huffington Post, written by Lindsey Mead Russell, and wanted to save it here for my daughter to read.  I thought I would share it for others to read also as I think what she has to say it so important in today's age.

1.  It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.  Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends.  I promise, it's not.  The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.

2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw.  I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree.  There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.

3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you.  Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend.  This is hard to realize, but essential.

4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it.  So do those who love you.  Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so.  You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong.  Your perspective is both valid and valuable.  Don't shy away from expressing it.

5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming.  My eyes and cleft chin and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you.  I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness.  I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.

6. Reading is essential.  It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know.  I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it.  That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way?  Those never go away.  Welcome.

7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully.  I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it.  I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon.  I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is.  I'm going to be here, no matter what, Grace.  The red string that ties us together will stretch.  I know it will.  And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness.  I know that too.

8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you.  I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt.  Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise.  But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.

9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person.  I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me.  That feeling, Woolf's "emptiness about the heart of life," is just part of the deal.  Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task.  You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what.  I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am.  I hope to help you do the same.

10. I am trying my best.  I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve.  I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice.  I am sorry.  I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you.  I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that.  But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being.  No matter what.

father's day

happy father's day to the best dad i could of ever hoped my children would be blessed with.  my husband, amazing, patient, kind, loving, fun, smart, stable, strong and secure.  this father's day started with some things that reminded me how the little things in life matter not, while the really important things came glaring out at me.  my family, my friends, god.  that's it.  that's all we need.  clothes, money, gifts, cars, houses, its all extra.  its all so very trivial.
you have heard the saying that you find out who your true friends are when there is a crisis - so true.  i am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who without a pause rush to my side if needed.  not in the funny, beautiful glorious times, but the ugly, sick times too.  im so eternally grateful for that.  that is something that no job, no store, no lottery could ever give you.
happy father's day honey, thank you for all you do, effortlessly, without complaint, day in day out.  we love you for it.

A week away

 A week at the lake brought on lots of grandma and grandpa kisses

 lots of sand,

 lots of sun and water,

 lots of sweet treats by the campfire,

and lots of much needed rest and relaxation for a family used to running 90 to nothing.

living dayshift

due to a little procedure i had done this week, i got the rare weekend off.  i got the chance to experience what normal people experience.  i enjoyed a saturday morning breakfast, went shopping, stayed up late and went to church with the whole family sunday morning.  the rest of the day we hung out around the house, went to the pool and played croquette. 

i do believe i could get used to this not staying up all night business.  i realized when i am living a "normal" schedule, i am likeable.  above that - i have the clarity to really see my family for what they are, without the nauseous, tingling hands, foggy eyes exhausted feeling i usually carry with me.  they are fun, energetic, clever, funny, and beautiful.   it made me see just how good i really have it.  so sorry for all the silly complaining i do!

my day

i woke up tired and fussy today.  my children were running at me - excited to show me their cards and handmade goods.  i sat at the table and drank my coffee, read my paper and indulged in a giant smallcakes cupcake they picked out for me.  i opened my presents which consisted of a super cute life is good tee, tickets to a starlight play and a free shopping day out just for me.  so we loaded up the five little ones with just minor stress and headed out to my favorite shopping area.  more life is good - frozen yogurt and my new fave - a gourmet olive oil store ran by a couple from our church.  totally fun and only a little teensy bit stressful with them milling about the glass bottles of expensive oils.

so thankful this mother's day.  thankful i have my mama to love and talk to.  thankful that i was given such a totally loving and giving mother. thankful also for a sweet and loving mother in law who always brings me something fun on mother's day.  thankful for my husband who spoils me on every holiday.  he shows me selflessly his respect and gratitude in ways that surprise me each year.

im thankful for my oldest daughter who loves to go for walks with me and hand crafts my presents with as much love as she can squeeze into them.
im thankful for my oldest son who still pauses to love on his mama in between his extremely active social life filled with rough and tumble games in the hood.


im thankful for my youngest boy who made me a mother's day card which read "i love you mom because you give me food every day."  and he meant it.
im thankful for my second oldest girl who used true restraint today and threw no fits because she was being kind on mother's day.  it was rough on her, but she did it because somewhere in that beautiful strong willed little body she really wants to please me.
im also so very thankful for my sweet baby who i bathed tonight and slathered in honey scented lotion before snuggling her to sleep.  dear lord i love that i still have a baby girl around to snuggle to sleep.

happy mother's day to my mama and all of my friends who teach me each day ways to be a better mother.

funny kids.

i took the kids to michaels the other day.  everyone who knows me understands that i detest that store.  it stinks like straw and is full of craft crap.  i do not like it.
my daughter needed something from there, so i drug them all out.  i was cranky about it and might of snipped at them a little during the crafty shopping extravaganza.  we went outside and i told them to sit on the bench so i could go throw away some trash.  they all sat down and as i was walking away i heard ashton tell maggie "well maggie, there she goes."  maggie responded "yep ashton, there she goes.  just walking away."
funny - they were so calm at the thought of me leaving them!
on the way home they were telling the story of one of their friends getting a bruised up noggin.  maggie said to ashton "her bump is purple mountain majesty."  he said, "i think it is more blue violet."  she said "yes, blue violet and cornflower blue."
these kids take their crayolas very seriously!

im ok

its ok. i came to a peace and understanding. while it is hard to face the fact that my body is aging and i will not be able to have children anymore, its ok. its also ok to be sad about it without being crazy. its ok to grieve it and move on.  my surgeon asked me if i was certain i didn't want any more children, that i was so good at it, was i really sure?  he was totally serious.  he didn't make me feel crazy at all for having five - and the thought of having more.  he said - you are a long way from being mrs. duggar.  i answered honestly and said - while we love babies, we are done.  we want to focus on what we have and help them grow.
  i think that there will be fun days ahead with the kiddos as they get older. molly and i already have so much fun going out together and shopping without the little ones in toe. i look forward to the relationship i will have with her in the future as she continues to mature. i think it would be a good feeling to plan a weekend away with my husband without worrying about leaving a baby behind. i am amazed that our relationship stays so strong when we often just run past each other without having time to really talk to each other. i am grateful that he still loves me today like he did when he married me. stretch marks, wrinkles, extra curves and varicose veins. he loves it all, praise jesus.  he has given up his career and all its possibilities to stay home with the children.  it will be nice when he doesnt have to keep it all on hold anymore, to use his extreme wit on others in addition to us.  it will of course be nice to sleep again. i have been pregnant or breastfeeding nearly solid for the past 12 years. i have worked night shift during that time, trying to flip back to a morning person during the week while getting up all night with a baby. its grueling. its aging me. it makes me crabby to the good kids and husband that love me anyway. i think it would be nice to have a few hours for myself. that seems so foreign, but i think i might find something to do that i enjoy. i was planting my garden today and had to stop multiple times to help maggie or soothe the baby. it will be fun when they are all in school and i can have time to accomplish things i want to, for me. it will be awesome to spend a little more one on one time with each child. i am realizing that they are all so unique and likeable, i wish i had more time to just sit and talk with each of them - without multitasking. i am so thankful for what i have been given thus far, and i look forward to what is coming next.

seasons

i went to the doctor today. my ob. the office i have been dozens of times for prenatal checkups. i have walked into that waiting room and sat in those chairs so many times anxiously awaiting the chance to hear my babies heartbeat for the first time, to see their little hands waving on the ultrasound. i have always been filled with overwhelming joy during those appointments. even with the weight gain, the leg vein issues, the nausea. i loved every second of being pregnant. i loved that moment when you realize you could be and you start taking tests. i love taking the faint little line to my husband and both of us scrutinizing it. the late night runs to the store for more tests. the first doctor's appointment in which she smiles and tells us congratulations. i love feeling my baby move, kicking and letting me know they are alive and well in there. i love wearing maternity clothes, having total strangers smile when they see your big baby belly. i love anticipating the birth. i love when it starts getting close and you know that any day you will meet your new little one. wondering who they will look like, how much they will weigh, what we will name them. bar none the best feeling in the world is when you husband sees the baby for the first time and tells you he/she is perfect. holding that baby you have created for the first time and feeling their weight in your arms. kissing their sweet head and feeling that perfect newborn skin. its amazing, no drug could ever give you that high, that sheer happiness felt at that moment. i love taking them home for the first time and just curling up in bed with them. staring at them and trying to memorize everything about them. clothes shopping, toy shopping, watching the siblings kiss and love on them. i love it all so much. today i went to my ob to start the process of making certain that never happens again. its horrible. i feel like a part of my life is being robbed from me. she assures me i will feel excited and happy about it when its done. i said, i don't know - i really really like having babies. she said, i know, but i promise you will be happy. right now im not too happy about it. i know there are seasons to life, and i feel like my spring is being taken away for good. i don't mean to sound ungrateful. i know we are over the top lucky to have five healthy children. im just being honest. i know good people who can't have even one child, how dare i get sad over not being about to have a sixth! its crazy talk i know. i will get over this, like everything else. this baby who is currently sleeping in my arms just might not ever be put down again.

kale hummus

ok, so you know i am crazy for anything healthy i can stuff in my children and husband.
i have been on a kale kick lately, and have now come up with new recipe the whole family loves.

kale hummus

1 bunch organic kale
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 lemon, zested and juiced
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp crushed red pepper
2 cans garbanzo beans (one drained, one not drained)

saute the kale with the garlic in a big skillet. i put a little olive oil in mine.
when it is shrinking down, toss in the lemon zest and lemon juice. empty the two cans of garbanzo beans into your blender. i drain one, leave the juice in one. toss in the kale/garlic/lemon mixture. add the salt, peppr and crushed red pepper, you can adjust to taste. blend until smooth! serve with pita chips, veggies or whatever your family likes.

enjoy - kale is full of good cancer fighting nutrients which are enhanced when mixed with the lemon and garlic. this is a snack you will feel great about feeding your family!

game on, part 3

things are going so so with maggie. i have my on days, and my not so on days. i have let her slip a few times today. where my focus has been is on my second oldest. we have noticed that he kind of rolls through life just seeing what good can come his way, and not so much what good he can send other's way. today we had a long chat about siding with your friends instead of your family. he tends to join in on his buddy's point of view, even if it means ganging up on his little brother. his daddy explained to him very clearly that isn't how we roll in this house. family is first, far and above. you stick up for your siblings. no argument.
its so funny to me that you can raise your children in the same house, in pretty similar ways, and they all turn out so different. my oldest is so great about sticking up for her little siblings, for always wanting to please us, to do the right thing, because she knows it is the best choice - even though it is not the easy choice. this always applies to sticking up for what is right on the bus, at school - wherever it may be. you don't just stand back when people are picking on somebody. it is an inborn character trait she possesses. i gave her a quote i read once that says "why try so hard to fit in, when you were made to stand out." the girl is really trying to live by that.
we are teaching the other kids these traits, and i sure hope it sinks in eventually. i think i am learning along the way that being a good parent is hard work. it is much harder work than any thing i do at the hospital or college that results in an actual paycheck. it would be so much easier to just let them immerse themselves in video games, tv, books, whatever their vice is. it is hard work to show them how to be productive little members of our household. it is hard work to enforce punishments when they have messed up. sometimes it is also hard work to just be fully engaged with them when you are tired and would rather just veg out with a magazine or play on pinterest.
i am again finding myself so grateful that i have a husband at home to help me with these things. i can't imagine trying to keep up with just the daily tasks, and then attempt to do the really good, hard parenting on top of them by myself. even with two people working at it there are often times we get tired and get lazy. we just keep trying. it seems some days we fill them with more criticism than compliments. when we have a cruddy day and we really mess up - we say our prayers at night and ask for help to do better the next day.

game on, part 2

keepin it real. day two down of maggie boot camp. i think things are going better than i expected. she went to time out once today for a little meltdown. she then hopped up and knew it was time to be nice again. she did cry a couple of times tonight, but i did give her a tiny bit of leeway with her cast, the rain, no swim lessons like the siblings, tired... etc. i feel bad when it is raining and she is locked up indoors. then when the rain stops and everyone runs out to play, she can't because her cast might get wet. i think we have a ways to go, but we are on the right path. i bought a new cinderella cup for her, and told her yesterday if she didn't need any time outs today she would get a little surprise. she made it until 5 pm, went to time out and i could honestly tell her "that's sad, i hope you can get it tomorrow night." delayed gratification. something we are pretty bad at over here, but working towards.
i also threw the other kids under the love and logic bus tonight. i told them, "i leave for swim lessons in 14 minutes. i do hope you will all be dressed, with towels and in the van then." i hopped in the van right on time, of course miss molly was already there reading her book. ashton looked up from the driveway and busted it up to his room to change, ran down with the wrong shirt on inside out and no jacket (it was chilly tonight). i said, "glad you caught me buddy." carson had got himself dressed already, but was at the neighbors playing ball. i backed out of the driveway and he sprinted to catch me. im sure the neighbors thought i was being mean, but that is ok. my kids will learn to get themselves ready and out the door on time when it is really important in their lives to do so.
it was still chaos here before bed. im not sure i can fix that - just a lot of happy bodies chattering and hungry from swimming. i just need to tune out the excess noise and roll with it sometimes.

on another note, i found out today a girl i know has just been delivered the blow of a lifetime. her two year old son was diagnosed with renal cancer. please keep this sweet family in your prayers, as will i. it just reaffirms that if God has blessed me so greatly to have five children, five healthy and active children, he must have a plan in place for them. that means it is my responsibility to raise them to be able to fulfill that plan. no halfway parenting, to give it my all. all while keeping in mind i am only human, of course.

game on

there was a day when i raised my children the love and logic way. this means that when they exhibited behavior that their dad or i did not approve of, i would say a catch phrase like "that's sad, looks like we need a little bedroom time." they knew that i would then either lead them by the hand kindly, or take them kicking and screaming to their room and close the door. when they were calm, they could come back out and try again. it was up to them. i remember several times i had to physically hold the door shut to keep carson contained, but after a couple days of hard core love and logicing, he got it. they also get lots of choices, to empower themselves. it teaches them responsibility to better prepare them for the real world. if they choose to wear shorts and a tee shirt when its january and 10 degrees outside, so be it. when they come home from school sad that they couldn't go to recess, and their fingers are frozen from the bus stop to our door, i would tell them i really felt bad for them, then ask them what they thought might work better to wear tomorrow.

i once let ashton go to preschool without shoes, because i told him the van left at 8:45, i hoped he would be in it and ready to go then. he chose to play around, not eat breakfast, and not get his shoes on. when i got in the van and started it up promptly at 8:45, he hopped in so i would not leave him.
half way there he said, oh no i forgot my shoes mom. i said, well buddy that is really sad - i hope tomorrow you will remember. i took him in barefoot and he had to stay the whole day like that. he then started getting ready. he knew i meant business. carson had to go to bed without dinner a few times because he chose to not eat what i served the family. his dad told him very sincerely he was sorry, but he could look forward to a nice big breakfast, all he wanted. he is still working on the not so picky skill.

somewhere along the way, i went from being really energetic with my parenting, to half way parenting. i still love them, feed them and clothe them, i just have been slacking on the teaching responsibility part. this is clearly evidenced by my beautiful free spirited four year old. she throws fits, screams, stomps, the whole enchilada when she doesn't get her way. i just turn my head. sometimes she does it so much i get frustrated and yell at her. sometimes i just give in to her.
what am i teaching her? nothing! to act horrid and expect a payout. i do not like being around kids who act like that, not even my own.

well miss goldilocks, im sorry to say, but mama has new found strength. i am back on the bandwagon of parenting with both my head and my heart. i am starting tonight with the love and logic i used to believe in. i simply do not have time for terrible spoiled children. i also fear there may be a mini goldilocks in the making, so i better get a handle on both these little beauties while i still can.

macaroni

so my macaroni broke her leg. she broke it on a trampoline, while i was unaware. she broke it while i wasn't watching her, while her brother who was with her jumped down on her ankle. it was a scream heard round the world, or at least around the block. an unfortunate accident to say the least. she is in bed tonight with a beautiful pink and purple cast on her tiny leg.
we lucked out and saw a wonderful orthopedic doctor today who took great care of her, explained the fracture to me, then took us to the casting room. he asked her exactly what she wanted, then topped it off with a custom pink and purple braid design going around it. he was awesome. we were in and out in forty minutes. it could of partly been because i work with his wife, who so kindly asked him to please take care of miss mags. sometimes my jobs benefits are truly great.
maggie was super excited to get her "pinkalicious" cast on and show it to all of her friends. the newness wore off about bedtime when she asked me if i could take it off so she could sleep. nope, it will be on for several weeks maggie. she said, well mom, it feels a little annoying. yes, im sure it does.
i loved on her all morning when she was nervous about her appointment. i held her little hand the whole time, and then babied her all afternoon. she started getting sassy this evening and i firmly told her to shape it up. she began acting horrid, throwing a fit which resulted in purple sharpie on my couch and her brother pushed over in the shower. (she literally went to the shower curtain and shoved him over... when she tells her side, she simply moved the curtain a little tiny bit.) when i thought i might really go and whip her little booty, she turns and looks at me with her sad blue eyes and gives me the taylor swift heart with her hands. really? i mean, i am going to give in and whip you, and you look at me and give me the heart sign? i busted up laughing and she blinked away her giant tears and hugged me. she had me at hello. it is ridiculous the amount of love i have for this girl.

spring break

innsbrook missouri is where we headed this year for spring break. it is a large resort community centered around several lakes and natural surroundings. we rented a lake house which sat right on a small private lake. sheer bliss. we had our own little boat, canoe and kayak. the kids played hard from sun up to sun down every day. molly and i hiked through the trails daily, earning our marshmallows each night. carson joined us on the last day and he spotted a sleeping deer - bedded down in the pine during the heat of the day. the weather was awesome - low 80's every day and sunny.
it was incredible to not have work, laundry, school etc. to fuss with and just enjoy our little family.












nobody wanted to leave and we all kind of had a sad feeling in our guts pulling away. its not that we don't love our home and the kids were thrilled to see their neighbor friends when they got back. its just that as soon as we pull into the driveway mom and dad are no longer the fun relaxed game playing parents... its back to laundry, bills and chores. this time we proved them differently. we got home - threw the laundry to the side and immediately took the kids to crown center for the afternoon, then off shopping for a fire pit in which we broke in the first night with a giant marshmallow roast for all of their friends. it struck me how happy it made my children to be with their parents and get their undivided attention - to not have my brain on housework and chores, only half heartedly interacting with them most nights. i promise to give them more of me, not just on vacation, but daily turn my brain off of all the outside stressors and just focus on the amazing little beings that they are.

catch up

i am terrible about keeping up to date on the blog. it was meant to be a scrap book of sorts, since we all know i am not crafty enough to do that.
so, i was uploading pics off of my camera this morning and realized i am even terrible about this kind of scrap book.

a few things i have left out.

molly had her 11th birthday. last year. we had a giant amount of girls over for a dance party, and took her to the american girl doll store. it was actually super fun, and i do not love birthday parties. i think that the girls are older, most of her friends are so sweet and easy to get along with, it was just fun for all of us. not a dramatic moment to be had!



christmas. it was at our house this year. it was perfect. our family got together on christmas eve morning, we had a fire, music, tons of food and the cousins exchanged books and played their hearts out. that evening we went to candlelight service, opened our new pjs and got ready for santa. we woke up to cinnamon rolls, presents, and hung out in our jammies most of the day. we ended the day with a huge feast of home made bread and stuffed cheese pasta. perfection.



work update. i started working in the skills lab at the college. this has been very good for teaching me patience, which is one of my major short comings. watching students hang blood, draw labs, do assessments, things like that over and over all while smiling and being supportive teaches me a great deal of patience.
we are still trying to figure out the direction of our future careers and lives over here, but we are taking it one day at a time. right now it is working pretty lovely with me just working weekends and a day at the lab. jeff is still in limbo with his job until we figure out how to fit it into the lives of our little ones.

carson and ashton both tested into the gifted program this year. we are so proud of them and grateful for the bright little minds we are able to raise. ashton is the youngest of the kids to make it in thus far.

annie turned 7 months today. we were out on a walk with her and the dog yesterday and she was smiling up at us from her stroller. jeff said - aren't you so glad we have her? i replied yes. he said, could you imagine how quiet our house would be without her? can you imagine how sad it would be next year when maggie heads to kindergarten and we would have no little one around? i just laughed, i mean, that is us in a nutshell. so happy with the chaos. so happy to have baby stuff all over our house, the sleepless nights, the tiny sleepers. we love it all and this time around truly appreciate it. we have loved them all, but i guess because we are a little older and know this is the end of this stage of our lives, we really get down on our knees and thank god daily for the gifts he has given us. we are abundantly blessed with a crazy busy messy house filled with children. i look around right this minute and see boots, slippers, tennis shoes, back packs, sweat shirts and hear dora in the background. i should probably get off of the computer and straighten up all this evidence of love.