seasons

i went to the doctor today. my ob. the office i have been dozens of times for prenatal checkups. i have walked into that waiting room and sat in those chairs so many times anxiously awaiting the chance to hear my babies heartbeat for the first time, to see their little hands waving on the ultrasound. i have always been filled with overwhelming joy during those appointments. even with the weight gain, the leg vein issues, the nausea. i loved every second of being pregnant. i loved that moment when you realize you could be and you start taking tests. i love taking the faint little line to my husband and both of us scrutinizing it. the late night runs to the store for more tests. the first doctor's appointment in which she smiles and tells us congratulations. i love feeling my baby move, kicking and letting me know they are alive and well in there. i love wearing maternity clothes, having total strangers smile when they see your big baby belly. i love anticipating the birth. i love when it starts getting close and you know that any day you will meet your new little one. wondering who they will look like, how much they will weigh, what we will name them. bar none the best feeling in the world is when you husband sees the baby for the first time and tells you he/she is perfect. holding that baby you have created for the first time and feeling their weight in your arms. kissing their sweet head and feeling that perfect newborn skin. its amazing, no drug could ever give you that high, that sheer happiness felt at that moment. i love taking them home for the first time and just curling up in bed with them. staring at them and trying to memorize everything about them. clothes shopping, toy shopping, watching the siblings kiss and love on them. i love it all so much. today i went to my ob to start the process of making certain that never happens again. its horrible. i feel like a part of my life is being robbed from me. she assures me i will feel excited and happy about it when its done. i said, i don't know - i really really like having babies. she said, i know, but i promise you will be happy. right now im not too happy about it. i know there are seasons to life, and i feel like my spring is being taken away for good. i don't mean to sound ungrateful. i know we are over the top lucky to have five healthy children. im just being honest. i know good people who can't have even one child, how dare i get sad over not being about to have a sixth! its crazy talk i know. i will get over this, like everything else. this baby who is currently sleeping in my arms just might not ever be put down again.