im ok

its ok. i came to a peace and understanding. while it is hard to face the fact that my body is aging and i will not be able to have children anymore, its ok. its also ok to be sad about it without being crazy. its ok to grieve it and move on.  my surgeon asked me if i was certain i didn't want any more children, that i was so good at it, was i really sure?  he was totally serious.  he didn't make me feel crazy at all for having five - and the thought of having more.  he said - you are a long way from being mrs. duggar.  i answered honestly and said - while we love babies, we are done.  we want to focus on what we have and help them grow.
  i think that there will be fun days ahead with the kiddos as they get older. molly and i already have so much fun going out together and shopping without the little ones in toe. i look forward to the relationship i will have with her in the future as she continues to mature. i think it would be a good feeling to plan a weekend away with my husband without worrying about leaving a baby behind. i am amazed that our relationship stays so strong when we often just run past each other without having time to really talk to each other. i am grateful that he still loves me today like he did when he married me. stretch marks, wrinkles, extra curves and varicose veins. he loves it all, praise jesus.  he has given up his career and all its possibilities to stay home with the children.  it will be nice when he doesnt have to keep it all on hold anymore, to use his extreme wit on others in addition to us.  it will of course be nice to sleep again. i have been pregnant or breastfeeding nearly solid for the past 12 years. i have worked night shift during that time, trying to flip back to a morning person during the week while getting up all night with a baby. its grueling. its aging me. it makes me crabby to the good kids and husband that love me anyway. i think it would be nice to have a few hours for myself. that seems so foreign, but i think i might find something to do that i enjoy. i was planting my garden today and had to stop multiple times to help maggie or soothe the baby. it will be fun when they are all in school and i can have time to accomplish things i want to, for me. it will be awesome to spend a little more one on one time with each child. i am realizing that they are all so unique and likeable, i wish i had more time to just sit and talk with each of them - without multitasking. i am so thankful for what i have been given thus far, and i look forward to what is coming next.