little things

Just a couple of the little things taking up all of my  time lately.  This one in particular.  But that is ok.

                                    

She forces me, sometimes against my will to sit back and just enjoy her sweetness once in awhile.  No moving, no laundry, no housework.

Just sweetness.

and that is that.

so i have been struggling with a giant decision for the past couple of months.  a decision that would change my job, work schedule and family life.  an amazing opportunity presented itself to me recently which would allow me to finally give up night shift and weekends.  it would be a different style job in a completely different place.  it would be monday through friday, nine months a year.  no weekends, never any holidays.
but something didn't feel right.  i couldn't come to peace with it, no matter how hard i tried.

it would be monday through friday, 9-5, away from my last baby.  she would spend every day without me until dinner time.  no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was all for the greater good, i couldn't.  i need this fleeting time with her.  i want to wake up every morning and see her and know that i have the whole day to spend with her.  in addition to that, i really do love what i do.  i love caring for patients and their families.  it scares me to leave that right now.  maybe someday, but not now.

so i turned it down.  i decided to stay put. i put that quickly disappearing baby ahead of my career. i feel settled.  and that is that.

things i want my daughters to know.

I read this this morning on the Huffington Post, written by Lindsey Mead Russell, and wanted to save it here for my daughter to read.  I thought I would share it for others to read also as I think what she has to say it so important in today's age.

1.  It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.  Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends.  I promise, it's not.  The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.

2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw.  I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree.  There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.

3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you.  Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend.  This is hard to realize, but essential.

4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it.  So do those who love you.  Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so.  You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong.  Your perspective is both valid and valuable.  Don't shy away from expressing it.

5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming.  My eyes and cleft chin and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you.  I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness.  I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.

6. Reading is essential.  It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know.  I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it.  That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way?  Those never go away.  Welcome.

7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully.  I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it.  I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon.  I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is.  I'm going to be here, no matter what, Grace.  The red string that ties us together will stretch.  I know it will.  And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness.  I know that too.

8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you.  I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt.  Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise.  But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.

9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person.  I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me.  That feeling, Woolf's "emptiness about the heart of life," is just part of the deal.  Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task.  You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what.  I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am.  I hope to help you do the same.

10. I am trying my best.  I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve.  I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice.  I am sorry.  I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you.  I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that.  But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being.  No matter what.

father's day

happy father's day to the best dad i could of ever hoped my children would be blessed with.  my husband, amazing, patient, kind, loving, fun, smart, stable, strong and secure.  this father's day started with some things that reminded me how the little things in life matter not, while the really important things came glaring out at me.  my family, my friends, god.  that's it.  that's all we need.  clothes, money, gifts, cars, houses, its all extra.  its all so very trivial.
you have heard the saying that you find out who your true friends are when there is a crisis - so true.  i am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who without a pause rush to my side if needed.  not in the funny, beautiful glorious times, but the ugly, sick times too.  im so eternally grateful for that.  that is something that no job, no store, no lottery could ever give you.
happy father's day honey, thank you for all you do, effortlessly, without complaint, day in day out.  we love you for it.

A week away

 A week at the lake brought on lots of grandma and grandpa kisses

 lots of sand,

 lots of sun and water,

 lots of sweet treats by the campfire,

and lots of much needed rest and relaxation for a family used to running 90 to nothing.

living dayshift

due to a little procedure i had done this week, i got the rare weekend off.  i got the chance to experience what normal people experience.  i enjoyed a saturday morning breakfast, went shopping, stayed up late and went to church with the whole family sunday morning.  the rest of the day we hung out around the house, went to the pool and played croquette. 

i do believe i could get used to this not staying up all night business.  i realized when i am living a "normal" schedule, i am likeable.  above that - i have the clarity to really see my family for what they are, without the nauseous, tingling hands, foggy eyes exhausted feeling i usually carry with me.  they are fun, energetic, clever, funny, and beautiful.   it made me see just how good i really have it.  so sorry for all the silly complaining i do!

my day

i woke up tired and fussy today.  my children were running at me - excited to show me their cards and handmade goods.  i sat at the table and drank my coffee, read my paper and indulged in a giant smallcakes cupcake they picked out for me.  i opened my presents which consisted of a super cute life is good tee, tickets to a starlight play and a free shopping day out just for me.  so we loaded up the five little ones with just minor stress and headed out to my favorite shopping area.  more life is good - frozen yogurt and my new fave - a gourmet olive oil store ran by a couple from our church.  totally fun and only a little teensy bit stressful with them milling about the glass bottles of expensive oils.

so thankful this mother's day.  thankful i have my mama to love and talk to.  thankful that i was given such a totally loving and giving mother. thankful also for a sweet and loving mother in law who always brings me something fun on mother's day.  thankful for my husband who spoils me on every holiday.  he shows me selflessly his respect and gratitude in ways that surprise me each year.

im thankful for my oldest daughter who loves to go for walks with me and hand crafts my presents with as much love as she can squeeze into them.
im thankful for my oldest son who still pauses to love on his mama in between his extremely active social life filled with rough and tumble games in the hood.


im thankful for my youngest boy who made me a mother's day card which read "i love you mom because you give me food every day."  and he meant it.
im thankful for my second oldest girl who used true restraint today and threw no fits because she was being kind on mother's day.  it was rough on her, but she did it because somewhere in that beautiful strong willed little body she really wants to please me.
im also so very thankful for my sweet baby who i bathed tonight and slathered in honey scented lotion before snuggling her to sleep.  dear lord i love that i still have a baby girl around to snuggle to sleep.

happy mother's day to my mama and all of my friends who teach me each day ways to be a better mother.