ashton

i have had my days with this child. people told me long before he ever made it out of my belly that third kids were handfuls. i will admit that from the ages of 4 months to 2 1/2 years i held a dark secret in my own head. is he autistic or is there something else wrong? from the time he was a newborn this boy would not cuddle. he would turn and twist his little body away from me, refusing to nurse, refusing to smoosh up against me like my others. i felt as if i was forcing my love on him sometimes. he would sit by himself and roll his hot wheels around for hours, just watching them roll along the floor. if disturbed or removed from his comfort zone he would lash out and scream this high pitched shrill that would test the patience of even the kindest mothers.
i even lost him in our subdivision once. he just walked off by himself and went inside a model home and sat, all alone. i was frantic, running through the yards, screaming for him, my neighbor was on her bike riding up and down the roads searching for him in all the construction.
there he was, just sitting in the house next to ours, playing all alone. what the heck? i didn't know whether to kiss him or beat him, and i think i did a little of both.
but he had his moments. his glimpses of sweetness. short, but hope. he was always darling, and even though the most challenging, his cute moments were all the cuter for it.




his pediatrician told me i was not validated in my fears. he was fine. while this made me feel better, i wasn't convinced. my husband said, look at his life jen. he was born, we had two other babies we were busy with already. we had another baby, we moved. it is a lot of stress for a little guy. so then i tried my own "therapy". i smothered him in love, all day, every day. if this was somehow my fault, i was going to reverse it. he got constant kisses (which he fought) constant hugs (which he pulled away from) and constant i love you's (which were not returned).
i think it started to work. he is slowly turning into a loving well behaved little boy. he has his moments, dont get me wrong, but they are less frequent as the days go on. i am getting hugs during the day, and i have this sweet little boy who wants to crawl up on my lap and let me smoosh on him a little.

in fact when i woke up today i got his version of an i love you. "i just like you now mommy." and accompanied it with a little hug. it really means he is crazy in love with me, because i am his one and only mommy, and while i have a lot of children, he is my only youngest son.



ashton and his beloved "lammers"