Molly

i remember when they placed her in my arms. I was young, 26, scared and felt as if i was at the complete mercy of the nurses and doctors. i wanted to do whatever they said to make sure i didn't look so young, scared or new at all this. that all melted away when i felt the seven pound weight of her hit my chest. i lost all sense of everything except this incredible overwhelming love. i remember knowing she must be the most beautiful baby ever born, and how blessed i was to have her given to me. i immediately felt this strong desire to protect her from the world, and if i could of, i would have built a bubble and stayed inside it forever with her. i remember telling my dad "you just have no idea, i barely know her and i already love her so much." he replied "try loving her for 26 years jennifer."

i knew my husband felt the same way by far the most amazing experience any human could ever have, to hold their baby for the first time. jeff and i stayed awake for the first week taking only short naps while the other one watched her breathe. i remember being petrified that something could happen to her if one of us wasn't watching her every move. i picked her up at every stir or sound. i did everything the books tell you not to, but that my heart forced me to. she slept with me every night and i could never hold her enough during the day. i wanted to etch her features into my brain so that i would forever remember her when she was so new.

our whole world changed. i never wanted to leave her, i sobbed at the thought of returning to work. nobody knew her like i did, nobody knew what her cries meant, and nobody else would possibly have the stamina to hold her 24 hours a day like we did. how could i ever leave this little thing which had so quickly become a part of me? i truly felt (right or wrong) that she could never be as well cared for, happy, safe, content or loved unless she was with me.





i did return to work. i had three more babies. jeff started grad school and i worked a little more.
molly made friends of her own which occupy her free time.
i realized i missed her and ached to get back to how it was before life made things rushed and crazy. i find myself thinking about when she was maggie's age a lot lately. i see her in maggie and sometimes just hurt to have her that age again.
she has stayed the same little love sponge she was then, always begging for more time with me, begging for one more kiss before bed and clinging to me when i leave for work.
i vowed to spend more one on one time with my little girl before she is grown completely.
tonight was the start of it and we sat at borders until past bedtime reading magazines and drinking smoothies. she was glowing and giggling, thanking me over and over for having this time together. ugghhh the guilt over letting so many days go by with only a few minutes spent with her and a quick kiss goodnight. no more, tonight she creeped back into that little bubble where i hope she always stays.




girls night out at borders.