fall

i fear that fall is fast approaching us. its everywhere i look, back to school, football, jeans, long sleeves on the racks.

this affects me in a big way. my three oldest children will be starting back to school in a few weeks. molly will be returning to hawthorn hill and entering second grade. she is excited and ready to see her friends again and to have the freedom to choose her school lunches. i imagine there is something liberating about deciding if you are going to have white milk or chocolate milk, pb&j or hotdog, squirting your own ketchup, all without mom giving pointers on what goes better together.

carson is starting kindergarten. my sweet little five year old is off to make his own friends and play without me five days a week. i hate it. i so wish i lived out in the country where all of my children could just stay home and work the farm every day. nobody leaving me, my house would forever be filled with their footsteps and voices.

he is ready to go. he did say he wasn't sure if he would know everything he needed to know, but i reassured him he would be starting from the beginning, not where molly is at now.

i have done fine, except when i let him pick out his scissors yesterday. i saw him digging through all the colors and styles and i just got overwhelmed with sadness. he was so happy and chose just the right pair. the pair he would get out of his little desk every day and cut things without me. following the directions of another woman, someone who will have great impact on the rest of his life. ugghhh.

then there is number 3, ashton. he is starting preschool this year, two days a week. the child is so excited he starts to shake and giggle when we talk about it. he had to potty train before he was allowed to go, which we weren't sure he would accomplish. he sure did, all by himself. so now he too is a self proclaimed big boy. we bought him a few school supplies also, although they are not needed, he just wanted to be a part of it all. so he is armed with fresh colors and paint, a new pair of scissors and a little blue pencil box.

all of this is bittersweet, painful and joyful. i can handle it all. what im not sure about is what carson is starting tonight. full contact football.

are you kidding me???? his little body is five years old. sweet and healthy. unmarred (other than his chin which was split open this weekend in an accident with the neighbor's toy gun) and unbroken. my husband is dead set on this, not wavering. pop warner football is a right of passage for a boy. real practices, real games, real helmets, cleats, pads and even cheerleaders.

probably even a real mean coach who will yell and holler at my beautiful son. what if he gets seriously injured i ask? he won't. what if he gets heat stroke? he won't. don't be one of those kind of moms he keeps telling me.

well, its a good thing i work every weekend and can't make it to watch his games. im ill at the thought of it. may those pads be strong and unbreakable.