Leaving

in less than 23 hours i will be back at work. one would honestly think that this would get easier after five children. you could even imagine i would be happy to go be around adults, get a real lunch break, get to do something out of the house.
well, i would like to be completely honest here, since it is my blog, and meant to be a scrapbook of sorts for me to read later, when the memories of all these things are faded.
its not easier. it is horrible. it hurts all the way down to my core, i cry my eyes out every time i think about it, and now it is like a giant clock counting down over my head. one more night. i have had this sweet little baby attached to me for the past eight weeks, non stop. i hold her all day long, i feed her all day and night, if i set her down, its only until i can quickly do whatever i needed to do, just to go grab her up again.
i know this is it. i know this is the last time i will experience all of this. i have already scheduled things with my ob to make this a permanent decision, without my control.
i cried the day we got home from the hospital, because i could already feel it going too quickly, i missed the pregnancy, even then. i ached to put her back inside, to keep this experience just a little longer.
i have not rushed this newborn stage, not for a second. not for one sleepless night or tiring day. she is growing and i can't stop her. she changes every day and i have already lost the tiny squishy newborn.
its not just annie though. they are each growing and changing at lightning speed.
it is just my nature to want to slow it all down. i know there are even better things ahead, i know life is full of new exciting adventures for us. im just not ready for this part to be over.
i know that when i return to work, life will move even faster. i will soon be gone four or five day a week again, and she will grow. she will grow and change when i am gone. her newborn scent will be gone. her tiny stretches and yawns.
i can't lie and say its ok, because right now its terribly sad for me.
i can thank god that i don't have to leave monday through friday and drop her into the hands of a daycare provider. i can thank god that my husband, who loves her just as much as i do will be holding her while i am away.
and that, is about all the silver lining i can find right now.

random thoughts

life has become quite the whirlwind around here! not much time for writing down my thoughts. currently, i sit and type while balancing my now 5 week old on my lap. the windows are open and i can here my youngest boy playing tag. maggie and car are at football practice with their daddy. maggie is fighting croup and i don't like being left at home with her and the baby, just too hard to keep germs separated. molly is sitting outside with her friend discussing how she has decided to become a vegetarian while they crochet. she has become a grown up over night.
my days sometimes feel like the movie ground hog day, where he wakes up and every day is the same. i wake up, feed the baby, try to get her to nap, feed, rock, feed, until bedtime when i do the same thing, just in the dark.
there is the mingling of other children, chores and events in there, but annie surely gets the bulk of my time. all that will be changing very soon when i return to school, work and teaching. i once again am over scheduled, but in december i will be done with both school (for good) and clinicals. it causes me a little anxiety to know that i will be gone mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, every other thursday, friday and saturday.
hard to type actually. that leaves me sunday for family. i will miss these days of nothing and my baby being a permanent fixture in the crook of my arm. i love being here with the family, the stress, the mess, the noise, the fighting, all of it. its really better than any life i could have ever dreamed of, silly but true.
its just going to be for two months. i can do anything for two months. feel like im saying that a lot lately!
one more thought i wanted to record for my own benefit. i have learned that this time doesn't keep, it doesn't last. every day that seems like an eternity blurs into the past, so quickly. i am watching right now when my soon to be 11 year old is sitting out there crocheting with her friends. wasn't she the baby on my lap only moments ago? i vow to stop worrying so much about barbies and legos on the floor, and just be thankful there are still little ones around to play with them.

annie claire

so this will be my attempt at trying to capture one of the top moments in life into words, impossible.
i sent molly off to church camp on sunday afternoon. i promised her not to have the baby until she arrived home on thursday. oops.
tuesday morning i got up, walked, took maggie to target and came back home. we fixed lunch and i paced around the house. i went upstairs and laid on the bed and turned on food network. i felt a little twinge, and then another. this had been happening all week, so no real thoughts of anything happening. then another. then one i had to breathe through. hmmmm... maybe? i called the doctor and they told me to head on over just in case. jeff called his mom and we waited on her while i had a few more.
he was skeptical, as was i. it was around 3 o clock at this time.
we loaded up in the van and i was getting a little more uncomfortable. when we got to the hospital, the nurse said i needed to go to triage, they would do a labor check on me.
i was 5 cm and contracting every 4 minutes. they weren't really painful, just there.
she called the doctor who gave her the go ahead to admit us.
yeeaaaahhhh!!
we were both giddy and nervous. she started my iv and took us to our labor room. it was probably around 5pm now.


time to call my parents and let them know their grandbaby was on its way!
jeff went down to get our luggage, i sent some emails and we just hung out waiting for the doctor.
dr. newby was on, she told me we could see what i did on my own, or start pitocin, place and internal monitor and get the ball rolling. i chose to progress natural for a little while. i did agree to her breaking my water, which would intensify things a little.
after an hour or so i was about 7 cm and ready for my epidural. they told me he was busy and it was now or never, so i chose to go on with it. it took him another hour to make it to me, but i was doing ok.
i got the epidural placed around 8 and by 10 i was complete.
the doctor had a c-section to do, but chose to let me push for a little while first, just in case i went fast. good choice. first contraction i pushed and out she came.
easy as pie. then they asked what her name was. we hadn't really nailed that down yet.
jeff loved annie claire, i like annie caroline or vivian kate. she looked more like an annie, so let him decide. she is spunky and i think the name fits her perfect.
the part i hope to never forget was watching the doctor pull her up and jeff yelling "its a girl" i thought he was wrong, i thought surely that was a boy in there.
i guess i secretly hoped for a girl because i was overwhelmed with happiness to find out that is what she was.


she was crying right off and i just wanted to soak up her pretty face, so perfect. my first thought was she was a mixture of maggie and molly. molly's hair, maggie's nose.
then i couldn't believe god had given us five perfect healthy children.


i cried, thinking i am not that good of a person to receive such gifts, how lucky we are.
after a long night in labor monitoring me for some little postpartum issues we moved over to mother baby. i didn't so much as close my eyes until that afternoon for an hour. i just wanted to soak up every second of her newness. to say we fell in love was an understatement. it never gets old, its just as amazing this time as it was with molly.


now we are home. one big loud, crazy, happy family. mom is tired, but blissfully happy.

sister or brother?

according to my doctor, we are on the two week countdown to find out what this sweet bundle is going to be. i took the girls shopping today and after much debate they voted on a girl and a boy outfit for the new sibling.

my bag is half way packed, the baby has something to wear home from the hospital, and i have finished my three classes at once. i think i can relax and get excited for my last trip down the highway and up that elevator to the third floor. its almost surreal to think that i get to have that experience all over again. i remember lying in the hospital bed waiting on maggie to make her way into the world and just trying to soak up the moment, trying to permanently implant the room, the monitor, the tiny hat and white t-shirt, the warmer, all of it into my brain. now i get it once more. that first glimpse of their face, the feeling of their skin on mine and that intoxicating smell of their hair.
i don't think jeff or i feel we could be any more blessed.

sweating the small stuff.

there are a multitude of things i worry about daily in life, coming from a long line of worriers, it just comes natural to me.
while pregnant, this tendency just amplifies. i wanted this in writing, so when this baby comes, i can look back and realize there was really nothing to worry about. right?

i worry that the baby will come before 38 weeks, in which case, i will not be ready.
i worry that i will not complete all of my work for graduate school prior to this baby coming.
i worry that i won't have time to wash my bedding every week, and i love clean bedding.
i worry that when i go on maternity leave my paychecks will be cut by a huge chunk.
i worry something will happen to my husband. irrational kind of worry.
i worry that i will not get to shower daily and i will be greasy.
i worry that because i am greasy, i will not have friends anymore.
i worry about not having enough one on one time with my other four children.
i worry about not having any personal time at all.
i worry i will be paralyzed by my epidural. again, irrational worry.
i worry that my varicose veins won't go away this time.
i worry that i might be sad that i won't be pregnant anymore. crazy, i realize.
i worry i will not have my bag packed in time, or anything for the baby to wear home from the hospital.


that sums up all of the things i worry about on a daily basis. most of them just circulate through my head like a ticker throughout the day.

don't get me wrong, im overjoyed and excited to meet this gift from god, i just hope im not so worried about silly things that i don't take time to embrace it.

my table is full

maggie asked me this morning why our neighbors had so many chairs at their kitchen table, but only two children. i said, i guess they were done after two maggie. she then pointed out that our kitchen table has six chairs, and we don't have any more chairs, but we are having another baby.
hmmm.
my table is full.
but im going to find room for another body to sit.
my house doesn't have anymore bedrooms either.
but im going to find room for one more little head to sleep.
the funny thing is, kids don't care about how big the table is, or how big the house is. they don't care about how much money we make, or how many opportunities we offer them. they really only want us. they want our time and our attention. they want to have a mom and dad who light up when they walk through the door. parents who pour their love out with every hug.
i love that my dinner table will be crowded. i even love that it will have spilled milk, giggling, messes and noise. i know that one day when it is just jeff and i sitting at the table, we would give anything for one more messy meal.
i can't create a nursery for this baby, or even more space at our table. this little one will just squeeze right in and our lives will be more fully blessed because of it.

chores

today was my only day off this week. i now have grad school two nights a week and work three, so wednesday is my free day. sunday i am off too, but im usually strung out and all messed up trying to flip back around, so while it is a day off, it is mostly spent with my family trying to hide from me.
jeff and i worked all day around the house and yard. i went shopping all by myself for plants while he cleaned house. after maggie got out of preschool we had lunch and then went to play in the garden. jeff weeded and tilled, mixed in manure and had it all ready for me. i planted tomatoes, green beans, peppers, squash, you name it. maggie was being so sweet, just handing me things and digging for worms. she started to water before i was finished and i said, "oh maggie - don't do that yet - it will get muddy sweetie."
she looks at me in her little pink sunglasses and says "mommy, you need to not be so naggy and traumatic with me. you are always so traumatic over the littlest things."

please. i believe she meant dramatic, but point taken from my three year old.

while we were planting, jeff was busy cleaning out the cars and garage. he did pull a full value meal worth of food from the cars, many lost socks and cleaned melted gum out of the cup holder. yummy.
he got the garage in tip top shape which makes me happy like nothing else. to the point the floor was shining. i don't know why, but when i walk into a clean garage it makes my heart swell three sizes.
it was beautiful and in fact, all i wanted for mother's day.
by now the big kids were home from school and we started barking chores at them.
carson was to poop scoop while molly cleaned the kitchen.

so, jeff is finished and going to pull the van back in the garage. he hits the opener and as the garage door is rising he sees carson walking into the garage from the kitchen. he has his target bag full of poop in one hand that he has brought in from the back yard. he tries to be funny and swing it around really fast in a circle. mmmhhhmm.
so as jeff is watching, the bag explodes and dog poops covers my sparkling garage.
everywhere.
awesome.