16 months ago today

here is a story some may know, some do not. i feel it is important to share, so that you never do it to your own child, or that you do not pass judgement on those of us who have.

my family has a long history of going to bennett springs to fly fish, and they were planning to meet there just shy of 6 weeks after i delivered baby maggie. we were itching to get out of the house, so it was pretty easy to be convinced to join the rest of my family there for a relaxing weekend.

it was hard managing all four of them, but when we drove somewhere down there i would be in charge of maggie and carson, jeff would take over molly and ashton. that way we each had one big, one little.

my mom was really good about watching maggie so that jeff and i could take the bigger three out to do stuff like walking, fishing, swimming, etc. on the second day we were there we loaded up and headed to the pool. it was hot and steamy that day, and looked like it could rain. a muggy miserable day. my dad told us there was a little nature center that the kids would enjoy and that would be something for us to do until the rain passed over.

we loaded up and went down the street to the place. we are walking around inside, enjoying the icy cold air conditioning, showing the kids the fish and things that live in a stream.

i remember it vividly.

jeff came around one of the exhibits and asked me "where is maggie?"

confused, i responded "i don't know"
i felt panicked, in a way i can't ever describe. panic in a way that eats through your heart like acid. i still can't find words to convey what my body felt at that moment.

"where the h#ll is maggie?" he asks again, calm but with anger washing over his face.

my mind swirled and tried to answer. think jen, think. where is your baby? i had no idea. wasn't she with my mom? was she in here somewhere? did i leave her in the entry way where we came in? where was she?

i had no clue. none what so ever. jeff looked panicked. pale.

i felt like i was going to pass out, the room was spinning. why couldn't i think?

he looked at the car keys i was holding in my hand. sh#t. sh#t. sh#t.

he said something about the van and i just threw the keys at him and said run.

hot, muggy. i grabbed the kids and ran out to the parking lot. in my head i was thinking, how do i resuscitate her? how long has she been strapped into her car seat suffocating?


my stomach started trying to empty its contents, my heart started racing, and my eyes couldn't focus. tears sat in my eyes but couldn't come out.

he opened the van door and all i could see was that her eyes were closed.

"she's fine" he said.

"are you sure?" immediately i fall over and sob uncontrollably. my breath is gone, i can't see and jeff is telling me she is ok. molly is asking why i am so sad.

here is the kicker. as i reach in to touch her sweet sleeping face, the van is cool. it is cool and comfortable, and she is sleeping and not the least bit hot.


we were parked in the blacktop parking lot, out in the sun, middle of a midwest summer.

the air is so hot and muggy it is hard to breathe kind of hot.


but the inside of the van is cool.

we drove back to the cabin, sobbing, shaking, and knowing sweet maggie has a guardian angel.

everyone makes mistakes, sometimes giant ones. the only thing that separates me from that poor dad who left his baby in the car at the train station is that i was given another chance.