still here

molly reminded me today that my blog serves as a scrapbook of sorts for our family, and that i have not updated in quite a while.  so - is that because nothing has been happening that is blog worthy?  quite the contrary, i think we have been moving and shaking so much that i haven't been able to sit and write.
lets see.  annie is fourteen months now, sweet as she is rotten.  she giggles when she sees her siblings, runs from her daddy in a game of chase which usually ends in her wiping out, still loves her mama and occasionally still nurses to soothe herself.  no we have not fully weaned, and no it doesn't bother me a bit.  she is my last baby (for real this time) and im i have learned from the past four, there is no point in rushing any aspect of it. 
maggie is now doing well in kindergarten after a kind of so so start.  she wasn't really sure you had to actually do the work there, but now that we have cleared that up, she is behaving quite well.  her very giant personality barely fits in her little blonde headed body, and i thoroughly enjoy being around her.  she is not quite as sassy as she used to be, i mean - there was no miracle or anything, she is just kind of getting how to fit into the world with the rest of the mere mortals when she is just so "all that".  i actually pray that she will carry that confidence with her into her teen years.
ashton is his sweet smart self.  so self sufficient, so independent.  he comes home, picks up his book and gets his mandatory reading time done right off, then skips out the door to play with whatever neighbor child is around.  he is not picky and loves everyone.  he is the most grateful little boy i have ever met, thanking me over and over for any gift he receives.  he has his heart in exactly the right place.  he is starting basketball in a couple of weeks and im excited to see how he changes when given his own special activity.
carson is still my handsome little ornery boy.  he is very smart but doesn't really care to push that too much.  he is all about being a boy and is outside getting sweaty any chance he gets.  he loves to start a big game of kickball and will stay out until dark every day if allowed.  he is sweet and always remembers to hug me when he sees me.  he is learning to be more grateful and appreciative of the world around him, as he kind of gets lost in his own desires some days.  most days.
molly is a busy little lady, taking on choir, student council, babysitting, volunteering in the church and joining the swim team.  she swims four nights a week, keeps up with friends, family, church and babysitting on the weekends.  she is still an amazing grownup packed into an 11 year old body.  she recently brought me her savings from months of babysitting and told me to ship it to uganda to katie davis, a missionary.  such a kind and generous heart.  we could all learn a lesson in humility, gratitude and grace from miss molly.  im still amazed at the things she says and does. 
as for us, jeff is busy every day chasing annie and driving children too and fro.  he keeps up everything around here, helping preserve my sanity and being an amazing father.  i know for a fact i would not have the loving, smart sweet children i have without his presence in their daily lives.  he finds every little moment and turns it into a teaching moment, something i admit i just don't take the time to do most days.
i am busy teaching clinicals and working weekends.  i love my hospital job and am learning to love the clinicals, but i do not feel teaching is my calling in life.  maybe someday, but my heart lies with the little ones at home, and that is probaby how it will remain for a at least five more years with my sweet anniroo still home.

sweet annie

in a couple of hours it will be my baby's first birthday.  as always, it is my intent to capture my true feelings, so that my family can look back on these little posts some day and see the truth of our lives.  its not my intent to be politically correct or cool.  its just my real self - writing down the very uncool feelings i have about baby number five turning one.  that being said - it might get a touch emotional.

i am here to celebrate this birthday with half of my family away at camp.  i know it is just killing my husband to be away from her for so long, especially on her first birthday.  i will try to make it a happy day for her - which would simply involve me carrying her the entire day and feeding her ripe peaches, peeled and cut into big chunks.  that seems to be her food of the week.  peaches, not really even a taste of anything else.  she still nurses frequently, and will now take a bottle and sippy cup.  big progress.  im sitting here thinking about anything else she loves, and there is a very short list right now.  she number one loves me, then her daddy, then her siblings, then the dog, and that is it.  she will play for short periods, but much prefers to be carted around in my left arm.

i love her so much it scares me - as i do my whole family.  i remember finding out we were pregnant with her, jeff not believing me, the doctor telling me i probably was not pregnant after all, the sonogram with no heartbeat, the tears, the stress, the genetic counseling, and the sonogram with the tiny heartbeat.
 its that moment that makes the crushing stress and sadness of the moments building up to it, so worth it.  that moment which leads to the multitude of moments to follow.  the first day i felt like i was going to vomit at the site of hamburger (meaning hormones must be reaching a healthy level), the first time she kicked, the not finding out her sex, anticipating the delivery, and that day.  i love that day.  i remember every detail so clearly.  the shirt i wore, the drive to the hospital, the joy that filled the room for hours before she arrived.  it is quite possibly better than any drug that could ever be produced.
i vowed to love every second of her babyhood this time.  i have immersed myself in her, put other things and people on hold to cater to her.  i could of ruined her - as evidenced by her not allowing a single person to hold her other her mom and dad.  nobody.

so in a couple of hours, she will no longer be counted in months, but in years.  its so cliche, but goodness it goes by in a blink.








 i love you sweet annie claire, bigger than i can ever put into words.  you have made my heart grow exponentially larger in the twelve short months i have known you.

im just smarter

my husband selflessly volunteered to be carson's church camp counselor this week.  he will be hoofin it in the 100+ degree heat with many dirty boys in toe.  he did this for many reasons, but one of them was that i couldn't bear for both of my oldest to go away for an entire week without one of us there.  over protective, maybe.  it just put my mind at ease to know he was there, keeping an eye on them.  with the crazy heat - im so thankful he is - carson would run himself until he shriveled up into a dry heap if somebody did not remind him to stop and take a drink, and a breath.
while he is gone doing that - i am here with the three youngest.  i admit that i do not have a lot of alone time with the children.  he is always around to help, i work, and when i am home, im rarely alone.
its strange to be here solo.  nobody to bounce ideas off of, no adult to talk to, nobody to watch tv with at night when you finally get them asleep, nobody to share the parenting, housework, etc...  many of my friends do this regularly, but not me.  im pretty spoiled. don't get me wrong - i am enjoying them.  we are walking, playgrounding, shopping, swimming, baking, snacking, olympics watching and giggling.  tonight they were kind of rotten and i told them so.  when i put them to bed, i found this on my counter.

that's my mags, constantly making sure she stays front and center in my heart.  one of the rotten things she did tonight was talk sassy to ashton.  he asked me what the black lines on the road were.  i told him they were repairs.  she says "i already knew that ashton."  i said, maggie do not be mean to your brother.
she said - without pause "mom - i wasn't being mean, im just smarter."  goodness.

 i don't think this little one stands a chance... they are kind of inseparable.

 and she is already fiercely determined.

where's ashton you ask?  hiding in the house.

little things

Just a couple of the little things taking up all of my  time lately.  This one in particular.  But that is ok.

                                    

She forces me, sometimes against my will to sit back and just enjoy her sweetness once in awhile.  No moving, no laundry, no housework.

Just sweetness.

and that is that.

so i have been struggling with a giant decision for the past couple of months.  a decision that would change my job, work schedule and family life.  an amazing opportunity presented itself to me recently which would allow me to finally give up night shift and weekends.  it would be a different style job in a completely different place.  it would be monday through friday, nine months a year.  no weekends, never any holidays.
but something didn't feel right.  i couldn't come to peace with it, no matter how hard i tried.

it would be monday through friday, 9-5, away from my last baby.  she would spend every day without me until dinner time.  no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was all for the greater good, i couldn't.  i need this fleeting time with her.  i want to wake up every morning and see her and know that i have the whole day to spend with her.  in addition to that, i really do love what i do.  i love caring for patients and their families.  it scares me to leave that right now.  maybe someday, but not now.

so i turned it down.  i decided to stay put. i put that quickly disappearing baby ahead of my career. i feel settled.  and that is that.

things i want my daughters to know.

I read this this morning on the Huffington Post, written by Lindsey Mead Russell, and wanted to save it here for my daughter to read.  I thought I would share it for others to read also as I think what she has to say it so important in today's age.

1.  It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.  Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends.  I promise, it's not.  The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.

2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw.  I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree.  There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.

3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you.  Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend.  This is hard to realize, but essential.

4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it.  So do those who love you.  Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so.  You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong.  Your perspective is both valid and valuable.  Don't shy away from expressing it.

5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming.  My eyes and cleft chin and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you.  I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness.  I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.

6. Reading is essential.  It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know.  I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it.  That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way?  Those never go away.  Welcome.

7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully.  I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it.  I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon.  I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is.  I'm going to be here, no matter what, Grace.  The red string that ties us together will stretch.  I know it will.  And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness.  I know that too.

8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you.  I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt.  Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise.  But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.

9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person.  I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me.  That feeling, Woolf's "emptiness about the heart of life," is just part of the deal.  Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task.  You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what.  I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am.  I hope to help you do the same.

10. I am trying my best.  I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve.  I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice.  I am sorry.  I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you.  I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that.  But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being.  No matter what.

father's day

happy father's day to the best dad i could of ever hoped my children would be blessed with.  my husband, amazing, patient, kind, loving, fun, smart, stable, strong and secure.  this father's day started with some things that reminded me how the little things in life matter not, while the really important things came glaring out at me.  my family, my friends, god.  that's it.  that's all we need.  clothes, money, gifts, cars, houses, its all extra.  its all so very trivial.
you have heard the saying that you find out who your true friends are when there is a crisis - so true.  i am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who without a pause rush to my side if needed.  not in the funny, beautiful glorious times, but the ugly, sick times too.  im so eternally grateful for that.  that is something that no job, no store, no lottery could ever give you.
happy father's day honey, thank you for all you do, effortlessly, without complaint, day in day out.  we love you for it.