sweet annie

in a couple of hours it will be my baby's first birthday.  as always, it is my intent to capture my true feelings, so that my family can look back on these little posts some day and see the truth of our lives.  its not my intent to be politically correct or cool.  its just my real self - writing down the very uncool feelings i have about baby number five turning one.  that being said - it might get a touch emotional.

i am here to celebrate this birthday with half of my family away at camp.  i know it is just killing my husband to be away from her for so long, especially on her first birthday.  i will try to make it a happy day for her - which would simply involve me carrying her the entire day and feeding her ripe peaches, peeled and cut into big chunks.  that seems to be her food of the week.  peaches, not really even a taste of anything else.  she still nurses frequently, and will now take a bottle and sippy cup.  big progress.  im sitting here thinking about anything else she loves, and there is a very short list right now.  she number one loves me, then her daddy, then her siblings, then the dog, and that is it.  she will play for short periods, but much prefers to be carted around in my left arm.

i love her so much it scares me - as i do my whole family.  i remember finding out we were pregnant with her, jeff not believing me, the doctor telling me i probably was not pregnant after all, the sonogram with no heartbeat, the tears, the stress, the genetic counseling, and the sonogram with the tiny heartbeat.
 its that moment that makes the crushing stress and sadness of the moments building up to it, so worth it.  that moment which leads to the multitude of moments to follow.  the first day i felt like i was going to vomit at the site of hamburger (meaning hormones must be reaching a healthy level), the first time she kicked, the not finding out her sex, anticipating the delivery, and that day.  i love that day.  i remember every detail so clearly.  the shirt i wore, the drive to the hospital, the joy that filled the room for hours before she arrived.  it is quite possibly better than any drug that could ever be produced.
i vowed to love every second of her babyhood this time.  i have immersed myself in her, put other things and people on hold to cater to her.  i could of ruined her - as evidenced by her not allowing a single person to hold her other her mom and dad.  nobody.

so in a couple of hours, she will no longer be counted in months, but in years.  its so cliche, but goodness it goes by in a blink.








 i love you sweet annie claire, bigger than i can ever put into words.  you have made my heart grow exponentially larger in the twelve short months i have known you.

im just smarter

my husband selflessly volunteered to be carson's church camp counselor this week.  he will be hoofin it in the 100+ degree heat with many dirty boys in toe.  he did this for many reasons, but one of them was that i couldn't bear for both of my oldest to go away for an entire week without one of us there.  over protective, maybe.  it just put my mind at ease to know he was there, keeping an eye on them.  with the crazy heat - im so thankful he is - carson would run himself until he shriveled up into a dry heap if somebody did not remind him to stop and take a drink, and a breath.
while he is gone doing that - i am here with the three youngest.  i admit that i do not have a lot of alone time with the children.  he is always around to help, i work, and when i am home, im rarely alone.
its strange to be here solo.  nobody to bounce ideas off of, no adult to talk to, nobody to watch tv with at night when you finally get them asleep, nobody to share the parenting, housework, etc...  many of my friends do this regularly, but not me.  im pretty spoiled. don't get me wrong - i am enjoying them.  we are walking, playgrounding, shopping, swimming, baking, snacking, olympics watching and giggling.  tonight they were kind of rotten and i told them so.  when i put them to bed, i found this on my counter.

that's my mags, constantly making sure she stays front and center in my heart.  one of the rotten things she did tonight was talk sassy to ashton.  he asked me what the black lines on the road were.  i told him they were repairs.  she says "i already knew that ashton."  i said, maggie do not be mean to your brother.
she said - without pause "mom - i wasn't being mean, im just smarter."  goodness.

 i don't think this little one stands a chance... they are kind of inseparable.

 and she is already fiercely determined.

where's ashton you ask?  hiding in the house.

little things

Just a couple of the little things taking up all of my  time lately.  This one in particular.  But that is ok.

                                    

She forces me, sometimes against my will to sit back and just enjoy her sweetness once in awhile.  No moving, no laundry, no housework.

Just sweetness.

and that is that.

so i have been struggling with a giant decision for the past couple of months.  a decision that would change my job, work schedule and family life.  an amazing opportunity presented itself to me recently which would allow me to finally give up night shift and weekends.  it would be a different style job in a completely different place.  it would be monday through friday, nine months a year.  no weekends, never any holidays.
but something didn't feel right.  i couldn't come to peace with it, no matter how hard i tried.

it would be monday through friday, 9-5, away from my last baby.  she would spend every day without me until dinner time.  no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was all for the greater good, i couldn't.  i need this fleeting time with her.  i want to wake up every morning and see her and know that i have the whole day to spend with her.  in addition to that, i really do love what i do.  i love caring for patients and their families.  it scares me to leave that right now.  maybe someday, but not now.

so i turned it down.  i decided to stay put. i put that quickly disappearing baby ahead of my career. i feel settled.  and that is that.

things i want my daughters to know.

I read this this morning on the Huffington Post, written by Lindsey Mead Russell, and wanted to save it here for my daughter to read.  I thought I would share it for others to read also as I think what she has to say it so important in today's age.

1.  It is not your job to keep the people you love happy.  Not me, not Daddy, not your brother, not your friends.  I promise, it's not.  The hard truth is that you can't, anyway.

2. Your physical fearlessness is a strength. Please continue using your body in the world: run, jump, climb, throw.  I love watching you streaking down the soccer field, or swinging proudly along a row of monkey bars, or climbing into the high branches of a tree.  There is both health and a sense of mastery in physical activity and challenges.

3. You should never be afraid to share your passions. You are sometimes embarrassed that you still like to play with dolls, for example, and you worry that your friends will make fun of you.  Anyone who teases you for what you love to do is not a true friend.  This is hard to realize, but essential.

4. It is okay to disagree with me, and others. You are old enough to have a point of view, and I want to hear it.  So do those who love you.  Don't pick fights for the sake of it, of course, but when you really feel I'm wrong, please say so.  You have heard me say that you are right, and you've heard me apologize for my behavior or point of view when I realize they were wrong.  Your perspective is both valid and valuable.  Don't shy away from expressing it.

5. You are so very beautiful. Your face now holds the baby you were and the young woman you are rapidly becoming.  My eyes and cleft chin and your father's coloring combine into someone unique, someone purely you.  I can see the clouds of society's beauty myth hovering, manifest in your own growing self-consciousness.  I beg of you not to lose sight with your own beauty, so much of which comes from the fact that your spirit runs so close to the surface.

6. Reading is essential.  It is the central leisure-time joy of my life, as you know.  I am immensely proud and pleased to see that you seem to share it.  That identification you feel with characters, that sense of slipping into another world, of getting lost there in the best possible way?  Those never go away.  Welcome.

7. You are not me. We are very alike, but you are your own person, entirely, completely, fully.  I know this, I promise, even when I lose sight of it.  I know that separation from me is one of the fundamental tasks of your adolescence, which I can see glinting over the horizon.  I dread it like ice in my stomach, that space, that distance, that essential cleaving, but I want you to know I know how vital it is.  I'm going to be here, no matter what, Grace.  The red string that ties us together will stretch.  I know it will.  And once the transition is accomplished there will be a new, even better closeness.  I know that too.

8. It is almost never about you. What I mean is that when people act in a way that hurts or makes you feel insecure, it is almost certainly about something happening inside of them, and not about you.  I struggle with this one mightily, and I have tried very, very hard never once to tell you you are being "too sensitive" or to "get over it" when you feel hurt.  Believe me, I know how feelings can slice your heart, even if your head knows otherwise.  But maybe, just maybe, it will help to remember that almost always other people are struggling with their own demons, even if they bump into you by accident.

9. There is no single person who can be your everything. Be very careful about bestowing this power on any one person.  I suspect you are trying to fill a gnawing loneliness, and if you are you inherited it from me.  That feeling, Woolf's "emptiness about the heart of life," is just part of the deal.  Trying to fill that ache with other people (or with anything else, like food, alcohol, numbing behaviors of a zillion sorts you don't even know of yet) is a lost cause, and nobody will be up to the task.  You will feel let down, and, worse, that loneliness will be there no matter what.  I'm learning to embrace it, to accept it as part of who I am.  I hope to help you do the same.

10. I am trying my best.  I know I'm not good enough and not the mother you deserve.  I am impatient and fallible and I raise my voice.  I am sorry.  I love you and your brother more than I love anyone else in the entire world and I always wish I could be better for you.  I'll admit I don't always love your behavior, and I'm quick to tell you that.  But every single day, I love you with every fiber of my being.  No matter what.

father's day

happy father's day to the best dad i could of ever hoped my children would be blessed with.  my husband, amazing, patient, kind, loving, fun, smart, stable, strong and secure.  this father's day started with some things that reminded me how the little things in life matter not, while the really important things came glaring out at me.  my family, my friends, god.  that's it.  that's all we need.  clothes, money, gifts, cars, houses, its all extra.  its all so very trivial.
you have heard the saying that you find out who your true friends are when there is a crisis - so true.  i am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people who without a pause rush to my side if needed.  not in the funny, beautiful glorious times, but the ugly, sick times too.  im so eternally grateful for that.  that is something that no job, no store, no lottery could ever give you.
happy father's day honey, thank you for all you do, effortlessly, without complaint, day in day out.  we love you for it.

A week away

 A week at the lake brought on lots of grandma and grandpa kisses

 lots of sand,

 lots of sun and water,

 lots of sweet treats by the campfire,

and lots of much needed rest and relaxation for a family used to running 90 to nothing.