Molly

i remember when they placed her in my arms. I was young, 26, scared and felt as if i was at the complete mercy of the nurses and doctors. i wanted to do whatever they said to make sure i didn't look so young, scared or new at all this. that all melted away when i felt the seven pound weight of her hit my chest. i lost all sense of everything except this incredible overwhelming love. i remember knowing she must be the most beautiful baby ever born, and how blessed i was to have her given to me. i immediately felt this strong desire to protect her from the world, and if i could of, i would have built a bubble and stayed inside it forever with her. i remember telling my dad "you just have no idea, i barely know her and i already love her so much." he replied "try loving her for 26 years jennifer."

i knew my husband felt the same way by far the most amazing experience any human could ever have, to hold their baby for the first time. jeff and i stayed awake for the first week taking only short naps while the other one watched her breathe. i remember being petrified that something could happen to her if one of us wasn't watching her every move. i picked her up at every stir or sound. i did everything the books tell you not to, but that my heart forced me to. she slept with me every night and i could never hold her enough during the day. i wanted to etch her features into my brain so that i would forever remember her when she was so new.

our whole world changed. i never wanted to leave her, i sobbed at the thought of returning to work. nobody knew her like i did, nobody knew what her cries meant, and nobody else would possibly have the stamina to hold her 24 hours a day like we did. how could i ever leave this little thing which had so quickly become a part of me? i truly felt (right or wrong) that she could never be as well cared for, happy, safe, content or loved unless she was with me.





i did return to work. i had three more babies. jeff started grad school and i worked a little more.
molly made friends of her own which occupy her free time.
i realized i missed her and ached to get back to how it was before life made things rushed and crazy. i find myself thinking about when she was maggie's age a lot lately. i see her in maggie and sometimes just hurt to have her that age again.
she has stayed the same little love sponge she was then, always begging for more time with me, begging for one more kiss before bed and clinging to me when i leave for work.
i vowed to spend more one on one time with my little girl before she is grown completely.
tonight was the start of it and we sat at borders until past bedtime reading magazines and drinking smoothies. she was glowing and giggling, thanking me over and over for having this time together. ugghhh the guilt over letting so many days go by with only a few minutes spent with her and a quick kiss goodnight. no more, tonight she creeped back into that little bubble where i hope she always stays.




girls night out at borders.

I just can't stop...

This really isn't meant to be a political blog, but for the next couple of months it may be sprinkled with lots of touchy posts.
for all of my friends wanting to vote democratic due to taxes and such, here is some interesting info i received today from a friend of mine.

Proposed tax changes by both candidates to take place after January 1st 2009.
1. CAPITAL GAINS TAX

MCCAIN
0% on home sales up to $500,000
OBAMA
28% on profit from ALL home sales
meaning,
If you sell your home and make a profit, you
will pay 28% of your gain on taxes.

2. DIVIDEND TAX
MCCAIN 15%
no change proposed
OBAMA 39.6%
meaning,
If you have any money invested in stock
market, IRA, mutual funds,
college funds, life insurance, retirement
accounts, or anything that pays
or reinvests dividends, you will now
be paying nearly 40% of the money
earned on taxes if Obama become president.
The experts predict that higher
tax rates on dividends and capital gains
would crash the stock market yet
do absolutely nothing to cut the deficit.

3. INCOME TAX

MCCAIN (no changes)
Single making 30K - tax $4,500
Single making 50K - tax $12,500
Single making 75K - tax $18,750
Married making 60K- tax $9,000
Married making 75K - tax $18,750
Married making 125K - tax $31,250
OBAMA
(reversion to pre-Bush tax cuts)
Single making 30K - tax $8,400
Single making 50K - tax $14,000
Single making 75K - tax $23,250
Married making 60K - tax $16,800
Married making 75K - tax $21,000
Married making 125K - tax $38,750

If Obama is elected your taxes will nearly double friends!!

4. INHERITANCE TAX

MCCAIN 0%
No change, Bush repealed this tax)

OBAMA restore the inheritance tax

How does this affect you? Many families
have lost businesses,
farms and ranches, and homes
that have been in their families
for generations because they could not
afford the inheritance tax.
Those willing their assets to loved
ones will lose them to these taxes.

NEW TAXES BEING PROPOSED BY OBAMA

* New government taxes proposed on
homes that are more than 2400 square feet
* New gasoline taxes
* New taxes on natural resources
consumption (heating
gas, water, electricity)
* New taxes on retirement accounts
and last but not least....
* New taxes to pay for socialized medicine
so we can receive the same
level of medical care as other
third-world countries!!!

check out the sources -
http://money.cnn.com/news/specials/election/2008/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/issues/issues.taxes.html

http://elections.foxnews.com/?s=proposed+taxes
http://bulletin.aarp.org/yourworld/politics/articles/mccain_obama_offer_different_visions_on_taxes.html

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/fact-checker/candidates/barack_obama/

http://blog.washingtonpost.com/fact-checker/candidates/john_mccain/.

so my friends, it looks kind of bleak for anybody with a job if the libs get elected!
we are not a socialist country, do your research and get out and vote, esp. if you live in missouri which is still a battleground state.
just in case you were curious, here is the website of the church obama belonged to for 20 years and talked about on oprah.
www.tucc.org look up jeramiah wright... what a great mentor he must of been!!

just some pics

Nothing profound to say, just a few pics of people i love...

and because i do, im voting for her.

potty humor

one of the problems with having two older brothers is the confusion that arises regarding bathroom techniques. do i stand or do i sit? when your a baby this could be a problem. while we are no where near being ready to potty train at the tender young age of 16 months, my poor little lady is quite confused on how she will go when that time comes.

this is what i caught today on video.




this is a step forward from drinking out of it i guess.

save the drama for your mama

it's all in how you look at it, but i do find my job hysterical at times. i don't often get to act as a "real" nurse because i am a charge nurse. when i do get the chance to take patients i always have an interesting night and somehow my friend, we will call her l for the sake of privacy, is always involved.

so i got a patient by transport and they were reporting that the mom was full of drama. they were just going on and on about how she freaked about about each little thing and they were so happy to be rid of her. well, i walk into the room and meet a very sweet little baby, mother and grandma. all parties seem to be very likable in my opinion, so i just assume that transport was being hateful.

i get orders to take the baby to the tx room to do a straight cath urine and some blood work. mom and grandma want to come with. fine i say, it doesn't ever bother me to have parents breathing down my neck. i had a little bit of a hard time getting the catheter to slip in the right spot. it happens.

after a little trouble, in it went and out came my pretty yellow urine. mom is sobbing by this point which is fair i guess it is hard to watch a stranger poke things in your baby's hoo haw.

grandma says to mom here, hold her for a minute. ok, she picks up her baby and i stand back and wait for mom and baby to calm down a minute before i get started on my blood draw.

im still not 100% sure why, but mom started screaming and threw the baby at grandma, who according to my friend "l" threw her coffee down just in time to take baby. she flips her upsidedown and they are both hollerin about the baby not breathing and oh my goodness she is blue, she is limp, she is blue, she isnt breathing.

my friend l and i just stand there watching it all play out. i mean, we are in a pediatric hospital, and i am a nurse so we could step in and save this baby's life at any point.

i decide to just let grandma have at it for a little while longer. mom is just crying and hollering and grandma is doing everything but stand the baby on its head. my friend l gets this look on her face like she is about to stop the drama if i dont, so i ask what seems to be the problem.

now i will tell you this baby was pink as a petunia and breathing the whole time.

i take the baby and tell mom to go take a breather in the hallway and perhaps grandma could go check on her. im not kidding folks i have never seen somebody throw a baby so fast before, it was like a perfectly executed football move.

next thing i know my other friends are busting in thinking something exciting is going on because apparently grandma and mom are having a moment in the hallway about their blue baby.
i am guessing the cause of all the drama was a little reflux and spit up. we finished up with the baby and sent the poor crying mom back to her room with grandma.

my lesson learned here is that those transport people are pretty clever, so if they say there is drama they are probably right on point.

ashton

i have had my days with this child. people told me long before he ever made it out of my belly that third kids were handfuls. i will admit that from the ages of 4 months to 2 1/2 years i held a dark secret in my own head. is he autistic or is there something else wrong? from the time he was a newborn this boy would not cuddle. he would turn and twist his little body away from me, refusing to nurse, refusing to smoosh up against me like my others. i felt as if i was forcing my love on him sometimes. he would sit by himself and roll his hot wheels around for hours, just watching them roll along the floor. if disturbed or removed from his comfort zone he would lash out and scream this high pitched shrill that would test the patience of even the kindest mothers.
i even lost him in our subdivision once. he just walked off by himself and went inside a model home and sat, all alone. i was frantic, running through the yards, screaming for him, my neighbor was on her bike riding up and down the roads searching for him in all the construction.
there he was, just sitting in the house next to ours, playing all alone. what the heck? i didn't know whether to kiss him or beat him, and i think i did a little of both.
but he had his moments. his glimpses of sweetness. short, but hope. he was always darling, and even though the most challenging, his cute moments were all the cuter for it.




his pediatrician told me i was not validated in my fears. he was fine. while this made me feel better, i wasn't convinced. my husband said, look at his life jen. he was born, we had two other babies we were busy with already. we had another baby, we moved. it is a lot of stress for a little guy. so then i tried my own "therapy". i smothered him in love, all day, every day. if this was somehow my fault, i was going to reverse it. he got constant kisses (which he fought) constant hugs (which he pulled away from) and constant i love you's (which were not returned).
i think it started to work. he is slowly turning into a loving well behaved little boy. he has his moments, dont get me wrong, but they are less frequent as the days go on. i am getting hugs during the day, and i have this sweet little boy who wants to crawl up on my lap and let me smoosh on him a little.

in fact when i woke up today i got his version of an i love you. "i just like you now mommy." and accompanied it with a little hug. it really means he is crazy in love with me, because i am his one and only mommy, and while i have a lot of children, he is my only youngest son.



ashton and his beloved "lammers"

the food pantry

i was thinking about making a poll for how much people spend on groceries a month. It is scary the amount of money i spend at hy-vee, costco and target per month. i am sort of ashamed of the portion of my income that goes right back out for food. i mean, is it just my family? are we a bunch of piglets? i guess i am a little pudgy and my kids are all in the 95% for weight, so perhaps we are over-indulgent. but for the most part i try to shop smart and buy what is on sale, or buy in bulk. there are certain things i can't help though, such as:
7 gallons of milk per week (hormone free, which is fairly cheap at costco)
2 loaves of bread per week
3 lbs of deli meat per week
3 bags of shredded cheese per week
2 jars all natural peanut butter per week
2 boxes all bran per week
2 boxes other cereal per week
2 bunches bananas per week
1 bag peaches per week
1 bag nectarines per week
2 boxes waffles per week
2 lbs hamburger per week
2-3 lbs chicken hormone free per week
and i guess that is where the necessary items stop. then we get to
fruit snacks, gerber poofs, lunchables, string cheese, crackers, coffee, creamer, spaghettios, pop-tarts, and the list goes on and on and on.
then we have diapers, wipes, toilet paper, paper towels, sls free kids shampoo, yada yada yada.
i would guess that i spend somewhere in the neighborhood of 150-200 dollars a week on groceries alone. we do not eat out very often, we do occasionally break down and allow some happy meals to cross our paths.
i mean, we are all american consumers. the fact that i don't use plastic bags anymore is enough to make a dent in the quest to save the environment.
so, i guess i am curious, are you reading this saying, oh my gracious day you spend a fortune in food you silly girl, or are you saying, oh we spend close to that also? just wondering.

if i didn't feel guilty enough already i stumbled across these ultra cool people who are surviving on a dollar a day for a month and living to write about it. go see their blog at
http://onedollardietproject.wordpress.com/