Two things

Grandpa and his baby.




Christmas tree made out of the hands and feet of my babies.


That's all. Just two sweet things that made me smile today.

Annie's birth

no matter what happens in this crazy busy life, this is what is is all about. it is these moments that make everything worthwhile.

expectations

i knew i had over extended myself long ago when i made several decisions that would shape the remainder of this year and next. it was completely and totally my choice to get my masters, decide to continue on with my mba, teach and work. it was my choice to be away from my family as much as i am. that being said, i do have an amazing husband who can manage the five beings without complaint. he has hauled them to football, to school, to the dentist, to the store... you name it.
i recently went from monday night to thursday afternoon without so much as laying eyes on my three oldest children. i miss them with my whole being when i am away so much, start doubting the importance of what i am doing, and my own priorities. when i get time with them, i have such high expectations that i often mess up.
tonight for example, i was going to be home with four of them so i wanted to be super fun and involved. i looked up crafts on the Internet and decided to make angel dough.
it is a mix of baby oil and flour. it makes a silky soft dough that smells wonderful and is wonderful on the skin.
fun!
i mixed it up and got a greasy concoction that was similar to moon dough. crumbly and messy. while the older were good about not being too messy, at one point i heard maggie singing - its raining ice cream. wheeeeeee its raining. awesome.
so i am trying to clean up oily flour crap while hold a baby who is hungry and tired.
so instead of being fun, i end up saying something really loving like,
don't worry kids - i'll clean up all this mess, you just go play video games, i will remember this at allowance time. don't you worry - the maid will get everything. could i get you some snacks now?
probably not the best idea to expect your four, six and ten year olds to act like 30 year olds.

addendum to the post... right after typing it my 10 year old came to me and said, mom im sorry i didn't help you clean up tonight. here, let me take the baby so you can finish what your doing.
my heart runneth over.

Leaving

in less than 23 hours i will be back at work. one would honestly think that this would get easier after five children. you could even imagine i would be happy to go be around adults, get a real lunch break, get to do something out of the house.
well, i would like to be completely honest here, since it is my blog, and meant to be a scrapbook of sorts for me to read later, when the memories of all these things are faded.
its not easier. it is horrible. it hurts all the way down to my core, i cry my eyes out every time i think about it, and now it is like a giant clock counting down over my head. one more night. i have had this sweet little baby attached to me for the past eight weeks, non stop. i hold her all day long, i feed her all day and night, if i set her down, its only until i can quickly do whatever i needed to do, just to go grab her up again.
i know this is it. i know this is the last time i will experience all of this. i have already scheduled things with my ob to make this a permanent decision, without my control.
i cried the day we got home from the hospital, because i could already feel it going too quickly, i missed the pregnancy, even then. i ached to put her back inside, to keep this experience just a little longer.
i have not rushed this newborn stage, not for a second. not for one sleepless night or tiring day. she is growing and i can't stop her. she changes every day and i have already lost the tiny squishy newborn.
its not just annie though. they are each growing and changing at lightning speed.
it is just my nature to want to slow it all down. i know there are even better things ahead, i know life is full of new exciting adventures for us. im just not ready for this part to be over.
i know that when i return to work, life will move even faster. i will soon be gone four or five day a week again, and she will grow. she will grow and change when i am gone. her newborn scent will be gone. her tiny stretches and yawns.
i can't lie and say its ok, because right now its terribly sad for me.
i can thank god that i don't have to leave monday through friday and drop her into the hands of a daycare provider. i can thank god that my husband, who loves her just as much as i do will be holding her while i am away.
and that, is about all the silver lining i can find right now.

random thoughts

life has become quite the whirlwind around here! not much time for writing down my thoughts. currently, i sit and type while balancing my now 5 week old on my lap. the windows are open and i can here my youngest boy playing tag. maggie and car are at football practice with their daddy. maggie is fighting croup and i don't like being left at home with her and the baby, just too hard to keep germs separated. molly is sitting outside with her friend discussing how she has decided to become a vegetarian while they crochet. she has become a grown up over night.
my days sometimes feel like the movie ground hog day, where he wakes up and every day is the same. i wake up, feed the baby, try to get her to nap, feed, rock, feed, until bedtime when i do the same thing, just in the dark.
there is the mingling of other children, chores and events in there, but annie surely gets the bulk of my time. all that will be changing very soon when i return to school, work and teaching. i once again am over scheduled, but in december i will be done with both school (for good) and clinicals. it causes me a little anxiety to know that i will be gone mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, every other thursday, friday and saturday.
hard to type actually. that leaves me sunday for family. i will miss these days of nothing and my baby being a permanent fixture in the crook of my arm. i love being here with the family, the stress, the mess, the noise, the fighting, all of it. its really better than any life i could have ever dreamed of, silly but true.
its just going to be for two months. i can do anything for two months. feel like im saying that a lot lately!
one more thought i wanted to record for my own benefit. i have learned that this time doesn't keep, it doesn't last. every day that seems like an eternity blurs into the past, so quickly. i am watching right now when my soon to be 11 year old is sitting out there crocheting with her friends. wasn't she the baby on my lap only moments ago? i vow to stop worrying so much about barbies and legos on the floor, and just be thankful there are still little ones around to play with them.

annie claire

so this will be my attempt at trying to capture one of the top moments in life into words, impossible.
i sent molly off to church camp on sunday afternoon. i promised her not to have the baby until she arrived home on thursday. oops.
tuesday morning i got up, walked, took maggie to target and came back home. we fixed lunch and i paced around the house. i went upstairs and laid on the bed and turned on food network. i felt a little twinge, and then another. this had been happening all week, so no real thoughts of anything happening. then another. then one i had to breathe through. hmmmm... maybe? i called the doctor and they told me to head on over just in case. jeff called his mom and we waited on her while i had a few more.
he was skeptical, as was i. it was around 3 o clock at this time.
we loaded up in the van and i was getting a little more uncomfortable. when we got to the hospital, the nurse said i needed to go to triage, they would do a labor check on me.
i was 5 cm and contracting every 4 minutes. they weren't really painful, just there.
she called the doctor who gave her the go ahead to admit us.
yeeaaaahhhh!!
we were both giddy and nervous. she started my iv and took us to our labor room. it was probably around 5pm now.


time to call my parents and let them know their grandbaby was on its way!
jeff went down to get our luggage, i sent some emails and we just hung out waiting for the doctor.
dr. newby was on, she told me we could see what i did on my own, or start pitocin, place and internal monitor and get the ball rolling. i chose to progress natural for a little while. i did agree to her breaking my water, which would intensify things a little.
after an hour or so i was about 7 cm and ready for my epidural. they told me he was busy and it was now or never, so i chose to go on with it. it took him another hour to make it to me, but i was doing ok.
i got the epidural placed around 8 and by 10 i was complete.
the doctor had a c-section to do, but chose to let me push for a little while first, just in case i went fast. good choice. first contraction i pushed and out she came.
easy as pie. then they asked what her name was. we hadn't really nailed that down yet.
jeff loved annie claire, i like annie caroline or vivian kate. she looked more like an annie, so let him decide. she is spunky and i think the name fits her perfect.
the part i hope to never forget was watching the doctor pull her up and jeff yelling "its a girl" i thought he was wrong, i thought surely that was a boy in there.
i guess i secretly hoped for a girl because i was overwhelmed with happiness to find out that is what she was.


she was crying right off and i just wanted to soak up her pretty face, so perfect. my first thought was she was a mixture of maggie and molly. molly's hair, maggie's nose.
then i couldn't believe god had given us five perfect healthy children.


i cried, thinking i am not that good of a person to receive such gifts, how lucky we are.
after a long night in labor monitoring me for some little postpartum issues we moved over to mother baby. i didn't so much as close my eyes until that afternoon for an hour. i just wanted to soak up every second of her newness. to say we fell in love was an understatement. it never gets old, its just as amazing this time as it was with molly.


now we are home. one big loud, crazy, happy family. mom is tired, but blissfully happy.

sister or brother?

according to my doctor, we are on the two week countdown to find out what this sweet bundle is going to be. i took the girls shopping today and after much debate they voted on a girl and a boy outfit for the new sibling.

my bag is half way packed, the baby has something to wear home from the hospital, and i have finished my three classes at once. i think i can relax and get excited for my last trip down the highway and up that elevator to the third floor. its almost surreal to think that i get to have that experience all over again. i remember lying in the hospital bed waiting on maggie to make her way into the world and just trying to soak up the moment, trying to permanently implant the room, the monitor, the tiny hat and white t-shirt, the warmer, all of it into my brain. now i get it once more. that first glimpse of their face, the feeling of their skin on mine and that intoxicating smell of their hair.
i don't think jeff or i feel we could be any more blessed.

sweating the small stuff.

there are a multitude of things i worry about daily in life, coming from a long line of worriers, it just comes natural to me.
while pregnant, this tendency just amplifies. i wanted this in writing, so when this baby comes, i can look back and realize there was really nothing to worry about. right?

i worry that the baby will come before 38 weeks, in which case, i will not be ready.
i worry that i will not complete all of my work for graduate school prior to this baby coming.
i worry that i won't have time to wash my bedding every week, and i love clean bedding.
i worry that when i go on maternity leave my paychecks will be cut by a huge chunk.
i worry something will happen to my husband. irrational kind of worry.
i worry that i will not get to shower daily and i will be greasy.
i worry that because i am greasy, i will not have friends anymore.
i worry about not having enough one on one time with my other four children.
i worry about not having any personal time at all.
i worry i will be paralyzed by my epidural. again, irrational worry.
i worry that my varicose veins won't go away this time.
i worry that i might be sad that i won't be pregnant anymore. crazy, i realize.
i worry i will not have my bag packed in time, or anything for the baby to wear home from the hospital.


that sums up all of the things i worry about on a daily basis. most of them just circulate through my head like a ticker throughout the day.

don't get me wrong, im overjoyed and excited to meet this gift from god, i just hope im not so worried about silly things that i don't take time to embrace it.

my table is full

maggie asked me this morning why our neighbors had so many chairs at their kitchen table, but only two children. i said, i guess they were done after two maggie. she then pointed out that our kitchen table has six chairs, and we don't have any more chairs, but we are having another baby.
hmmm.
my table is full.
but im going to find room for another body to sit.
my house doesn't have anymore bedrooms either.
but im going to find room for one more little head to sleep.
the funny thing is, kids don't care about how big the table is, or how big the house is. they don't care about how much money we make, or how many opportunities we offer them. they really only want us. they want our time and our attention. they want to have a mom and dad who light up when they walk through the door. parents who pour their love out with every hug.
i love that my dinner table will be crowded. i even love that it will have spilled milk, giggling, messes and noise. i know that one day when it is just jeff and i sitting at the table, we would give anything for one more messy meal.
i can't create a nursery for this baby, or even more space at our table. this little one will just squeeze right in and our lives will be more fully blessed because of it.

chores

today was my only day off this week. i now have grad school two nights a week and work three, so wednesday is my free day. sunday i am off too, but im usually strung out and all messed up trying to flip back around, so while it is a day off, it is mostly spent with my family trying to hide from me.
jeff and i worked all day around the house and yard. i went shopping all by myself for plants while he cleaned house. after maggie got out of preschool we had lunch and then went to play in the garden. jeff weeded and tilled, mixed in manure and had it all ready for me. i planted tomatoes, green beans, peppers, squash, you name it. maggie was being so sweet, just handing me things and digging for worms. she started to water before i was finished and i said, "oh maggie - don't do that yet - it will get muddy sweetie."
she looks at me in her little pink sunglasses and says "mommy, you need to not be so naggy and traumatic with me. you are always so traumatic over the littlest things."

please. i believe she meant dramatic, but point taken from my three year old.

while we were planting, jeff was busy cleaning out the cars and garage. he did pull a full value meal worth of food from the cars, many lost socks and cleaned melted gum out of the cup holder. yummy.
he got the garage in tip top shape which makes me happy like nothing else. to the point the floor was shining. i don't know why, but when i walk into a clean garage it makes my heart swell three sizes.
it was beautiful and in fact, all i wanted for mother's day.
by now the big kids were home from school and we started barking chores at them.
carson was to poop scoop while molly cleaned the kitchen.

so, jeff is finished and going to pull the van back in the garage. he hits the opener and as the garage door is rising he sees carson walking into the garage from the kitchen. he has his target bag full of poop in one hand that he has brought in from the back yard. he tries to be funny and swing it around really fast in a circle. mmmhhhmm.
so as jeff is watching, the bag explodes and dog poops covers my sparkling garage.
everywhere.
awesome.

confidence

you know you have done at least one thing right in the parenting book when your children are brave enough to stick up for themselves. last night jeff took ashton to soccer while i took maggie to gymnastics. molly and carson chose to go to soccer because there is an outdoor playground there. while ashton was practicing they were outside playing. jeff said there was an older boy out there being a bully to all the other kids on the playground. he kept throwing a ball at their stomach, chest, head and then yelling - think fast. one girl went in crying. he laughed when molly got friction burn on her hands after sliding down the metal pole. he then chose to throw the ball at carson. it hit him in the stomach and he yelled - think fast. carson picked up the ball and zinged it at the boy's head. the boy ran up and pushed carson.
carson pushed him back and knocked him to the ground. he didn't say a word, just looked at the bully. the bully then got up and ran inside. ha. i will always be in support of my child defending themselves and their siblings. not taking the aggressive side, but defensive is perfectly acceptable in my book.

at the same time, maggie and i were at a different playground waiting for her gymnastics to start. she went to climb through a tunnel, but two big chunky older girls were laying across it blocking the way. they told her, sorry - no room we are in here and you can't come through. she turned to me and said, those girls are being mean mommy. i said, yes some girls are nice and some are mean. she went back to the tunnel and the girls wouldn't budge. maggie shoved her head in and climbed right over the top of them. stepping her little boots across them the whole way. she got to the other side and exclaimed - i made it! ha.

ch - ch - chia

so im always on the hunt for the next most nutritional thing i can sneak in my family's food. it is now chia. as in the chia pet. the seeds are a nutritional powerhouse boasting more calcium than milk, more iron than beef liver, more antioxidants than blueberries, more omega 3's than salmon, and so on. they also hold 9 times their weight in water, so you can put a tablespoon in 4 oz of water and make a gel within 5 minutes.
chia gel, yummy. you can mix it with milk and have instant chia pudding. it just kind of looks like frog eggs.
i got mine from amazon today and made super healthy and surprisingly yummy chia chocolate chip cookies.

my recipe is as follows:

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour (i use white whole wheat)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup oats
1/2 cup chia gel (about 1 tbs chia to 4 oz water - let soak x 5 minutes)
1/2 cup fat free plain greek yogurt
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups (12-oz. pkg.) chocolate chips (i used half a bag)
3 Tbs chia seeds - more if your willing - i started with about 3-4.

mix first four ingredients in one bowl, mix next 6 ingredients in separate bowl.
add chocolate chips and dry chia seeds and stir. if mixture looks too wet, add another handful of oats. this is how i bake.
spoon them onto cookie sheets and bake for about 10-15 minutes.



my next plan is to serve them in oatmeal and sneak them into my flax/oat brownies. i have been told you can cut the hair right off your chia pet and toss it in your salad also. hmmm....

just in time for st. pat's day

this is one of those recipe's you either love or hate. it reminds me of my grandma's house. we would pile around her kitchen table and fill up on these little bites of heaven.

Grandma Katie's Cabbage Rolls

1 large head cabbage - core removed
2 lbs ground beef
2 c. white rice
1 large onion, chopped finely
2 large cloves garlic, minced
1 T salt
pepper to taste
2 meduim cans (app. 12 oz) tomato paste
1 large can (28 oz) ground or pureed tomatoes

Fill a big pot with water and place your cabbage head in. Bring the water to a boil and, as the leaves turn green, remove them from the head of cabbage layer by layer. Return the cabbage for the next layer or two and so forth. Save the broken leaves for lining the cooking pot. You can remove the thick veins to make rolling easier.
Brown your beef and drain - saving a little for flavor. Add your onion to the beef and cook a little more.
Combine the beef, rice, garlic, salt and pepper in a bowl. Line a stockpot with the outermost leaves. Take the leaves and leaves fill with a scoop or so of mixture. Starting from one long end, roll the leaf, tucking in the sides as you go. Layer the rolls on top of one another in the stockpot. With a whisk, combine the tomato paste and puree with one large can full of water. Pour the tomatoes over the rolls and add enough water to just cover the rolls. Bring the mixture to a boil, then reduce the heat, cover and let simmer for about an hour.

blungs

maggie "mommy does the baby get hiccups inside your tummy?"
yes, it gets hiccups.
maggie "what are hiccups? will the baby throw up if it hiccups? throw up in your tummy?"
no, it wont throw up, hiccups are just when your lungs get a little tickle.
maggie "are your blungs under your punchies?"
yes, they are called lungs maggie.
maggie "when i was in your tummy did you tickle my blungs?"
she was clearly getting jealous.
yes, maggie i tickled your lungs all the time.
maggie now crying, "mommy - why you make me throw up so much?"

arrgggghhhh.

number 5

i found this poem when my good friend found out she was pregnant with number 5.
means even more now.

Song for a Fifth Child
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

cooking

some things shouldn't be shared, but oh well.
molly and i were playing scrabble at the kitchen table. maggie kept coming up to me and feeding me little pretzel goldfish crackers. she said, i cooked dis just for you mama. molly says, i wouldn't trust anything she cooks mom.
then i hear maggie in the living room singing some song about booty cookin.
yep.
she was putting goldfish down her britches and bending over in front of the space heater until her booty got hot. then she pulled out the cracker and came to me.
vomit.

prayers

this was maggie's prayer last night before dinner.

dear god
thank you for eberyting. thank you for da baby in
mama's tummy.
please help dose who do not hab berry much stuff.
please help dose who do not hab cups.
please help dem find deir cups.
in your name we pray
amen

she is so thoughtful and sweet. melts my heart.

gymnastics

maybe not London 2012- but it is getting us out of the house on snow days.