living dayshift

due to a little procedure i had done this week, i got the rare weekend off.  i got the chance to experience what normal people experience.  i enjoyed a saturday morning breakfast, went shopping, stayed up late and went to church with the whole family sunday morning.  the rest of the day we hung out around the house, went to the pool and played croquette. 

i do believe i could get used to this not staying up all night business.  i realized when i am living a "normal" schedule, i am likeable.  above that - i have the clarity to really see my family for what they are, without the nauseous, tingling hands, foggy eyes exhausted feeling i usually carry with me.  they are fun, energetic, clever, funny, and beautiful.   it made me see just how good i really have it.  so sorry for all the silly complaining i do!

my day

i woke up tired and fussy today.  my children were running at me - excited to show me their cards and handmade goods.  i sat at the table and drank my coffee, read my paper and indulged in a giant smallcakes cupcake they picked out for me.  i opened my presents which consisted of a super cute life is good tee, tickets to a starlight play and a free shopping day out just for me.  so we loaded up the five little ones with just minor stress and headed out to my favorite shopping area.  more life is good - frozen yogurt and my new fave - a gourmet olive oil store ran by a couple from our church.  totally fun and only a little teensy bit stressful with them milling about the glass bottles of expensive oils.

so thankful this mother's day.  thankful i have my mama to love and talk to.  thankful that i was given such a totally loving and giving mother. thankful also for a sweet and loving mother in law who always brings me something fun on mother's day.  thankful for my husband who spoils me on every holiday.  he shows me selflessly his respect and gratitude in ways that surprise me each year.

im thankful for my oldest daughter who loves to go for walks with me and hand crafts my presents with as much love as she can squeeze into them.
im thankful for my oldest son who still pauses to love on his mama in between his extremely active social life filled with rough and tumble games in the hood.


im thankful for my youngest boy who made me a mother's day card which read "i love you mom because you give me food every day."  and he meant it.
im thankful for my second oldest girl who used true restraint today and threw no fits because she was being kind on mother's day.  it was rough on her, but she did it because somewhere in that beautiful strong willed little body she really wants to please me.
im also so very thankful for my sweet baby who i bathed tonight and slathered in honey scented lotion before snuggling her to sleep.  dear lord i love that i still have a baby girl around to snuggle to sleep.

happy mother's day to my mama and all of my friends who teach me each day ways to be a better mother.

funny kids.

i took the kids to michaels the other day.  everyone who knows me understands that i detest that store.  it stinks like straw and is full of craft crap.  i do not like it.
my daughter needed something from there, so i drug them all out.  i was cranky about it and might of snipped at them a little during the crafty shopping extravaganza.  we went outside and i told them to sit on the bench so i could go throw away some trash.  they all sat down and as i was walking away i heard ashton tell maggie "well maggie, there she goes."  maggie responded "yep ashton, there she goes.  just walking away."
funny - they were so calm at the thought of me leaving them!
on the way home they were telling the story of one of their friends getting a bruised up noggin.  maggie said to ashton "her bump is purple mountain majesty."  he said, "i think it is more blue violet."  she said "yes, blue violet and cornflower blue."
these kids take their crayolas very seriously!

im ok

its ok. i came to a peace and understanding. while it is hard to face the fact that my body is aging and i will not be able to have children anymore, its ok. its also ok to be sad about it without being crazy. its ok to grieve it and move on.  my surgeon asked me if i was certain i didn't want any more children, that i was so good at it, was i really sure?  he was totally serious.  he didn't make me feel crazy at all for having five - and the thought of having more.  he said - you are a long way from being mrs. duggar.  i answered honestly and said - while we love babies, we are done.  we want to focus on what we have and help them grow.
  i think that there will be fun days ahead with the kiddos as they get older. molly and i already have so much fun going out together and shopping without the little ones in toe. i look forward to the relationship i will have with her in the future as she continues to mature. i think it would be a good feeling to plan a weekend away with my husband without worrying about leaving a baby behind. i am amazed that our relationship stays so strong when we often just run past each other without having time to really talk to each other. i am grateful that he still loves me today like he did when he married me. stretch marks, wrinkles, extra curves and varicose veins. he loves it all, praise jesus.  he has given up his career and all its possibilities to stay home with the children.  it will be nice when he doesnt have to keep it all on hold anymore, to use his extreme wit on others in addition to us.  it will of course be nice to sleep again. i have been pregnant or breastfeeding nearly solid for the past 12 years. i have worked night shift during that time, trying to flip back to a morning person during the week while getting up all night with a baby. its grueling. its aging me. it makes me crabby to the good kids and husband that love me anyway. i think it would be nice to have a few hours for myself. that seems so foreign, but i think i might find something to do that i enjoy. i was planting my garden today and had to stop multiple times to help maggie or soothe the baby. it will be fun when they are all in school and i can have time to accomplish things i want to, for me. it will be awesome to spend a little more one on one time with each child. i am realizing that they are all so unique and likeable, i wish i had more time to just sit and talk with each of them - without multitasking. i am so thankful for what i have been given thus far, and i look forward to what is coming next.