Leaving

in less than 23 hours i will be back at work. one would honestly think that this would get easier after five children. you could even imagine i would be happy to go be around adults, get a real lunch break, get to do something out of the house.
well, i would like to be completely honest here, since it is my blog, and meant to be a scrapbook of sorts for me to read later, when the memories of all these things are faded.
its not easier. it is horrible. it hurts all the way down to my core, i cry my eyes out every time i think about it, and now it is like a giant clock counting down over my head. one more night. i have had this sweet little baby attached to me for the past eight weeks, non stop. i hold her all day long, i feed her all day and night, if i set her down, its only until i can quickly do whatever i needed to do, just to go grab her up again.
i know this is it. i know this is the last time i will experience all of this. i have already scheduled things with my ob to make this a permanent decision, without my control.
i cried the day we got home from the hospital, because i could already feel it going too quickly, i missed the pregnancy, even then. i ached to put her back inside, to keep this experience just a little longer.
i have not rushed this newborn stage, not for a second. not for one sleepless night or tiring day. she is growing and i can't stop her. she changes every day and i have already lost the tiny squishy newborn.
its not just annie though. they are each growing and changing at lightning speed.
it is just my nature to want to slow it all down. i know there are even better things ahead, i know life is full of new exciting adventures for us. im just not ready for this part to be over.
i know that when i return to work, life will move even faster. i will soon be gone four or five day a week again, and she will grow. she will grow and change when i am gone. her newborn scent will be gone. her tiny stretches and yawns.
i can't lie and say its ok, because right now its terribly sad for me.
i can thank god that i don't have to leave monday through friday and drop her into the hands of a daycare provider. i can thank god that my husband, who loves her just as much as i do will be holding her while i am away.
and that, is about all the silver lining i can find right now.

random thoughts

life has become quite the whirlwind around here! not much time for writing down my thoughts. currently, i sit and type while balancing my now 5 week old on my lap. the windows are open and i can here my youngest boy playing tag. maggie and car are at football practice with their daddy. maggie is fighting croup and i don't like being left at home with her and the baby, just too hard to keep germs separated. molly is sitting outside with her friend discussing how she has decided to become a vegetarian while they crochet. she has become a grown up over night.
my days sometimes feel like the movie ground hog day, where he wakes up and every day is the same. i wake up, feed the baby, try to get her to nap, feed, rock, feed, until bedtime when i do the same thing, just in the dark.
there is the mingling of other children, chores and events in there, but annie surely gets the bulk of my time. all that will be changing very soon when i return to school, work and teaching. i once again am over scheduled, but in december i will be done with both school (for good) and clinicals. it causes me a little anxiety to know that i will be gone mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, every other thursday, friday and saturday.
hard to type actually. that leaves me sunday for family. i will miss these days of nothing and my baby being a permanent fixture in the crook of my arm. i love being here with the family, the stress, the mess, the noise, the fighting, all of it. its really better than any life i could have ever dreamed of, silly but true.
its just going to be for two months. i can do anything for two months. feel like im saying that a lot lately!
one more thought i wanted to record for my own benefit. i have learned that this time doesn't keep, it doesn't last. every day that seems like an eternity blurs into the past, so quickly. i am watching right now when my soon to be 11 year old is sitting out there crocheting with her friends. wasn't she the baby on my lap only moments ago? i vow to stop worrying so much about barbies and legos on the floor, and just be thankful there are still little ones around to play with them.